Shopping is for GIRLZ.

Shopping isn't nearly as fun to me as other girls make it seem. I like the idea of shopping, and of course, I like cute clothes, but the whole shopping process is just so damn annoying. I usually avoid this process altogether, which is perhaps why half of my wardrobe has holes or stains.

But the other day, I had to go shopping. I needed an outfit for The Vagina Monologues performance...and being the practical shopper I am, I went out to search for a dress. A dress that could double as an outfit for the show, AND an outfit for Alex's cousin's wedding coming up. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I also don't own many dresses...and if I own them, they rarely make an appearance. For the wedding, I need like 5... Five!!!!!!

For Vagina Monologues, I needed an all-black outfit, with accents of pink if we so desire. I realized that day that I didn't own anything black, except for two tank tops and a shirt that said, "Love is my Religion" on it. Furthermore, I needed to wear something that was "me". Well... the day my director told us to incorporate our own stylistic flair into our outfit, I was wearing rolled up jeans, hemp sandals and a dinosaur shirt that said, "Hear me Roar!" on it.

So, needless to say, I wasn't planning on channeling "me" on my shopping venture, but rather, Victoria Beckham.

Now, since I don't hit the mall very often,

when I do go shopping, I tend to be pretty picky, because I really want to be in love with the

stuff I buy. This particular day, I was looking for a black dress, preferably with a thick strap over one shoulder, and pink high heels.

But you know, anything really.

And all for a low price? For those of you who have been shopping in San Francisco, you'll know that "a low price" is hard to come by. But you can get lucky if you know where to go! I however, do not know where to go, and since I only window-shop, I don't see many price tags.

I started at H&M, because that's where I always start. (I had to buy an outfit for a photo shoot a few weeks ago and I started at H&M then too). In fact, when I came back from that particular shopping trip, I gave my friends and roommates specific instructions to never let me shop alone again...because I truly suck at it! Glad they took my advice, because I was alone on the hunt, once again.

I perused H&M for a bit and then left, without trying anything on. That's another thing about me... As much as I have to psych myself up to go out shopping, I have to psych myself up even more to actually try anything on, and it usually takes me a few warm-up stores to "get in the

mood".

I moved to the mall next. The mall here is HUGE!

Like 8 stories - 5 stories of just Nordstrom and Bloomingdales. Everything is at least 2 stories here. Macy's is 5. In the mall, I always feel like I pass the same stuff 18 times, and there's so many things I have yet to find...I just get so lost in there.

I walked around the mall for like an hour, popping in and out of stores, trying nothing on, and then I got hungry. I took a break and went to my favorite Korean BBQ place. After that, I took another break and got a cookie cup from Mrs. Field's.

Now, back to dress shopping...

Bebe, Express, Cache, Fcuk, Bloomingdales, BCBG....

And the entire time, my outfit just screamed, "Point me to the bargain rack!"

I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman...and I almost wanted someone to judge me so I could

say, "Big mistake. Big. HUGE!" and walk out of the store, carrying thousands of dollars of merchandise.

I went into a store I had never been into before. That was a mistake. I was greeted as soon as I touched something, which is always a bad sign. The lady said things like, "Let me know how I can make your day better" and "Are you looking for anything in-particular?" I didn't see any black dresses in that store, so I thought that would be a safe bet to get out of there.

"Actually, I'm looking for a black dress, so..."

This lady shuffled about the store in a frenzy, and came back with about 15 black dresses...I still have no idea where she found them all.

Long story short, I was trapped in there forever. I was standing in the dressing room, with $200+ black dresses covering the walls, while the ladies working there were outside the door, absolutely enthralled with me. And not in the "Let us know if we can get you anything" kind of way, but in the "Come model for us! Let us see all the dresses on you! We're all best girlfriends!" kind of way.

This completely killed my first idea of sitting in the dressing room for what I thought would be an appropriate allotment of time to try on 15 dresses, and then leave, saying... "Not really what I was looking for, but thanks." or something like that. But I wasn't getting off that easy. The ladies wanted a show, so I squished myself into these dresses, so I could give them one. (They guessed on my size, and some fit perfectly, and some... well, some didn't fit at all).

They even brought me these shoes to try on with the dresses, because "it's easier to see how you like a dress, while you're wearing a pair of cute heels." That was actually true, and it's a shopping tip I plan on carrying with me on future endeavors. The shoes were pretty cute too. It took me a minute to negotiate the bow around to the back, only to be told it's meant to be on the side, but other than that, they were pretty cute...and comfy! However,

I hadn't seen a price tag yet, so I wasn't about to get attached.

I think the only way to give this dressing-room story justice, is to have videotaped it and posted the video. I was an unkempt, shopping hater, trapped in a room with a 3-way mirror, while two very pretty women fawned over me, telling me how great I look, when really I knew I looked like a witch in this hideous black dress, with bags under my eyes, standing under very unflattering lighting.

The only way I got out of there alive was by telling them I had to be at rehearsal in 15 minutes, and by putting a $230 black dress on hold, (which very closely resembled a plaid number I have in my closet that I bought at Target for 20 bucks).

I left the mall and walked around aimlessly for a little bit, and then I saw Macy's. I knew I had to go in there, because I couldn't give up. It was the only free day I had to get an outfit. I feel like I say this a lot, so once again, "it was crunch time!"

Something spectacular happened in Macy's...I found shoes.

Perfect, pink shoes. They were surprisingly comfortable too, which is a major plus (requirement really), because, I don't really do high heels. But these, I loved. I walked around in front of the mirror in Macy's for quite some time...and for a second, I was pretty sure I fell in love. I wanted to start singing and dancing... "Shoes. OMG, shoes!"

Without checking the price tag, I bought them. The cute man behind the desk cheered, "They're on sale!" I wanted to tell him, "I wouldn't really call that a sale, sir"... but I bought them anyway...because they were perfect.

This was the day I experienced my first shopping high, since the outlet mall shopping spree I had with my mom when I was 9. (We went back to our hotel and I tried on all my new clothes again, jumped on the bed and watched the Three Stooges).

When I hit the Junior Prom section of Macy's, it was like I hit the dress jackpot! I don't know why I was spending so much time in expensive, rich adult stores...they are so not the place for me!

I belong in the kids section.

Anyway, I bought three.

(I wore the 2nd one for Vagina Monologues, because my character alter-ego for one piece was a Janis Joplin/Joss Stone combo, and that was the "funkiest")

And when I walked out of there, carrying my bags, after what was looking to be a discouraging day of shopping, I could understand what all the fuss was about.

And even though it's probably not going to happen again for a long time, this was the day, I for a second, came to (somewhat) enjoy shopping.