Two days happy, five days sad;
It pained my heart and my eyes,
to see I hurt you so bad. 

I am sorry. 

Will you forgive me if I speak out of line?
I'm a lot to handle, even early on.
I penned all my pain on paper and stuffed those pages in your pocket.

I told you all about the times that scarred me most.
And the times that saved me, many of the latter connected with you.

I wish that you had never seen all the tears that I cried.
But you held me, and your arms seemed to say,
"I will always hold you this close. Always."
And when your voice echoed that embrace, my heart grew wings, that flew high above us, and the whole way I kept thinking-
"If it gets any sweeter than this, I don't want to know."

You touched me with a warmth I never knew.
We held undoubtable potential in those precious moments.

I didn't write for two whole months, before you.
 Then, almost suddenly, my mind and my pages were filled with thoughts and images and tiny pink flowers and ideas of loving someone so irresistibly sincere.

Now, you're a beautiful mystery that I'm still afraid to crack.
And I'm a monster.
Feeling every detail, and fighting every feeling.

Encircled always, by a heaviness.
Sometimes it really is just a look, that sends me back down, falling.
Doubting myself; but the whole way, loving you.

Never have I felt so insecure, in a realtionship I care so much about.

I've been bruised before and I've done bruising.
I've felt pain.
But none like the day you confessed that loving me was a punishment.
How it broke me to know that I was the source of the hurt behind those disappointed eyes.

The only thing I regret more than that is my own reflection.

I want to see you smile more. You have such a nice smile. It lights me up from the inside-out.

You came to love my childish laugh. You came to love my wounded heart, that I tried to shield from you. But it didn't take long for you to break the walls down.

I asked, will you forgive me when I speak out of line?
Would you notice me in Grand Central Station?
If you ever lost me, would you know where to look?

Now, I miss summer - the times we both liked me best.
I miss a time with you I never even knew.

My heart beats too big for my body, but you can fix anything with a kiss.

You held my face, looked me in my eyes and said -
"It's up to you."
And that scares me.

What if I can't choose? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I hurt you again? What if I lose you? What if I feel nothing at all?

I've been looking, I've been dreaming, I've been walking, I've been moving on...
Attempting to fit, just anywhere...

I'm trying to fit the whole world in my hands, rather than remembering to hold on to what I have.

I told myself, one day soon, I would follow my heart.

Don't forget you love me.
Don't forget why you love me; or how we were so easily capable of such early joy.

I want to be yours.

Let me make you happy.
Your mind, your body, though especially your heart.

I wish you would:
Laugh with me, dance with me, sing with me -
"We're not perfect, for if we were, something as beautiful as this song wouldn't exist."

In this moment, in this city, in this chapter I hope you never tear out,
I want to mean the most to you.

I don't think it matters so much which foot you start out on,  as long as you keep on walking.

I've been running my whole life,
and I stopped to look at you.
Don't write me off 'till the morning, baby,
I'll stay if you want me to.


The girl who'd say goodbye to you is out of her mind. 

Newness.

It's possible that I (consistently) couldn't pick a worse time to blog. Every time I really get the itch to write a post, there's 1,000 better things I could, and should, be using my time for. But alas, here we are, once again...not using my time wisely.

But I digress.

Sometimes things happen in life, to smack you in the face.
They say everything happens for a reason, so I guess sometimes I need to be smacked.

The new year is rapidly approaching. The fact that we are a week away from Christmas blows my mind. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. I think that January will arrive, before I even figure out what happened to November.

This year is going to be the first year EVER that I won't be on the East Coast with my family, for Christmas. It doesn't help that all of my roommates and most of my friends will be away, with their families (as they should be). San Francisco is going to feel really quiet. And if Thanksgiving was any indication of how lonely I've felt during the holidays this year, then I think it is important that I welcome life's smack in the face, so that I don't get too down on myself during "the most wonderful time of the year!"

I'm tired of making New Year's Resolutions that I don't keep. Work out more, eat healthier, know all my neighbors... Last year, I made the resolution to try something new every day in 2012. This impossible sounding task seemed very doable to me, at the time. Isn't it amazing how powerful you feel in January? New year, tabula rasa. It's even more amazing how powerless I feel again by the following December.

My "try new things" resolution lasted a month, at best. I got a tattoo, I tried raw sushi, I went to a hockey game, I went paddle-boarding, I visited a local iconic candy store in my hometown, I rode a roller-coaster at Harry Potter World... All those things were great fun. (Ok, the roller-coaster was NOT fun). (Ok, it was also a kiddie-coaster).

Moving on...

This year, I still want to try lots of new things. But I'm not going to put pressure on myself to do it everyday. In fact, there's a resolution right there. 2013 will be the year of "no pressure." No worries. Hakuna Matata.

Instead of being sad on Christmas, I'm going to make it an adventure!
Instead of wondering what everyone else is doing on New Year's, I'm going to work on making my own New Year's memorable, (hopefully with someone who has also had a few subpar, back-to-back New Year's Eve's).

I got smacked in the face by life recently. And life said to me, "Shut up, bitch!"

Seriously. I have spent far too much time the past couple of years being sad. Really, deeply, heart-wrenchingly sad. I'm not even 100% sure where all this sadness has been coming from. But the general consensus from me, my best friend, my drunk roommate, (and what my mom told me when I was 12), is that I put too much pressure on myself. I always have.

I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough.

In 2013, I want to be enough. ME. For everything I am...AND everything I'm not. 

I'm never going to be a 5'10" runway model. But, I am a comedian.
I'm never going to have Angelina Jolie lips. But, I have Zooey Deschanel eyes.

I'm tired of hurting. And most of this hurt, I brought upon myself. That's the worst part.

In 2013, I want to FORGIVE MYSELF. 

I want to BUILD MY CONFIDENCE. 

I want to HELP MYSELF.

I haven't done much in my personal life that I've been proud of in the past 2 or 3 years.
But I was 2-3 years younger then, and a few years will do wonders for your intelligence and maturity, if you let it.

I'd be willing to bet that almost anyone I've wronged, wouldn't be hanging onto the hurt and guilt, like I am.
(And if they are, then perhaps Forgiveness should be their 2013 resolution as well).

In 2013, it's time to move on. It's time for me to start doing things because they're going to help me, instead of worrying how my tiny decisions will affect others...and not asking or speaking up, for fear of being rejected.

In 2013, it's not about the big picture. That's a lot of pressure for me right now.
It's about the details.

My health. My darling family that constantly proves they'll move mountains for me. My brain, and how it's working (despite all the jokes I make about leaving it on the buses). My stand-up shows, and how I feel like I finally have a voice there, and a connection there. My sweet, sweet boyfriend and one of his laughs that I like to think is just for me (when he's watching "Archer," or especially when I do my "Slingblade" voice).

I've spent so much time regretting the past, that I'm forgetting to live in the moment and appreciate all these things I have in my life that are so great.

Isn't that the point of traveling through the darkness? To bask in the glow on the other side?

I went there. We all make mistakes. I did. I made a lot. But, continuing to wallow is only going to make it worse, and it's going to keep getting worse. And I'm going to keep hurting people, if I keep hurting myself.

I choose to make the change now.

In 2013, I am going to finally find what makes me happy. I am going to chase down (and tackle!) what I want. I am going to actively seek out what I need. I am going to keep people close to me, that make me feel the way I want to feel. And I am going to try my ABSOLUTE HARDEST to make them feel the way they want to feel. And FULLY support them in their endeavors of tackling the things that they want.

"I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else.

But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

Go where you want to go. Be what you want to be.

If you ever turn around, you'll see me."

- The Weepies. 

* This post is dedicated to anyone that I have argued with in the past 48 hours. 

Rest assured, I want to keep you.