Two days happy, five days sad;
It pained my heart and my eyes,
to see I hurt you so bad. 

I am sorry. 

Will you forgive me if I speak out of line?
I'm a lot to handle, even early on.
I penned all my pain on paper and stuffed those pages in your pocket.

I told you all about the times that scarred me most.
And the times that saved me, many of the latter connected with you.

I wish that you had never seen all the tears that I cried.
But you held me, and your arms seemed to say,
"I will always hold you this close. Always."
And when your voice echoed that embrace, my heart grew wings, that flew high above us, and the whole way I kept thinking-
"If it gets any sweeter than this, I don't want to know."

You touched me with a warmth I never knew.
We held undoubtable potential in those precious moments.

I didn't write for two whole months, before you.
 Then, almost suddenly, my mind and my pages were filled with thoughts and images and tiny pink flowers and ideas of loving someone so irresistibly sincere.

Now, you're a beautiful mystery that I'm still afraid to crack.
And I'm a monster.
Feeling every detail, and fighting every feeling.

Encircled always, by a heaviness.
Sometimes it really is just a look, that sends me back down, falling.
Doubting myself; but the whole way, loving you.

Never have I felt so insecure, in a realtionship I care so much about.

I've been bruised before and I've done bruising.
I've felt pain.
But none like the day you confessed that loving me was a punishment.
How it broke me to know that I was the source of the hurt behind those disappointed eyes.

The only thing I regret more than that is my own reflection.

I want to see you smile more. You have such a nice smile. It lights me up from the inside-out.

You came to love my childish laugh. You came to love my wounded heart, that I tried to shield from you. But it didn't take long for you to break the walls down.

I asked, will you forgive me when I speak out of line?
Would you notice me in Grand Central Station?
If you ever lost me, would you know where to look?

Now, I miss summer - the times we both liked me best.
I miss a time with you I never even knew.

My heart beats too big for my body, but you can fix anything with a kiss.

You held my face, looked me in my eyes and said -
"It's up to you."
And that scares me.

What if I can't choose? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I hurt you again? What if I lose you? What if I feel nothing at all?

I've been looking, I've been dreaming, I've been walking, I've been moving on...
Attempting to fit, just anywhere...

I'm trying to fit the whole world in my hands, rather than remembering to hold on to what I have.

I told myself, one day soon, I would follow my heart.

Don't forget you love me.
Don't forget why you love me; or how we were so easily capable of such early joy.

I want to be yours.

Let me make you happy.
Your mind, your body, though especially your heart.

I wish you would:
Laugh with me, dance with me, sing with me -
"We're not perfect, for if we were, something as beautiful as this song wouldn't exist."

In this moment, in this city, in this chapter I hope you never tear out,
I want to mean the most to you.

I don't think it matters so much which foot you start out on,  as long as you keep on walking.

I've been running my whole life,
and I stopped to look at you.
Don't write me off 'till the morning, baby,
I'll stay if you want me to.


The girl who'd say goodbye to you is out of her mind. 

Newness.

It's possible that I (consistently) couldn't pick a worse time to blog. Every time I really get the itch to write a post, there's 1,000 better things I could, and should, be using my time for. But alas, here we are, once again...not using my time wisely.

But I digress.

Sometimes things happen in life, to smack you in the face.
They say everything happens for a reason, so I guess sometimes I need to be smacked.

The new year is rapidly approaching. The fact that we are a week away from Christmas blows my mind. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. I think that January will arrive, before I even figure out what happened to November.

This year is going to be the first year EVER that I won't be on the East Coast with my family, for Christmas. It doesn't help that all of my roommates and most of my friends will be away, with their families (as they should be). San Francisco is going to feel really quiet. And if Thanksgiving was any indication of how lonely I've felt during the holidays this year, then I think it is important that I welcome life's smack in the face, so that I don't get too down on myself during "the most wonderful time of the year!"

I'm tired of making New Year's Resolutions that I don't keep. Work out more, eat healthier, know all my neighbors... Last year, I made the resolution to try something new every day in 2012. This impossible sounding task seemed very doable to me, at the time. Isn't it amazing how powerful you feel in January? New year, tabula rasa. It's even more amazing how powerless I feel again by the following December.

My "try new things" resolution lasted a month, at best. I got a tattoo, I tried raw sushi, I went to a hockey game, I went paddle-boarding, I visited a local iconic candy store in my hometown, I rode a roller-coaster at Harry Potter World... All those things were great fun. (Ok, the roller-coaster was NOT fun). (Ok, it was also a kiddie-coaster).

Moving on...

This year, I still want to try lots of new things. But I'm not going to put pressure on myself to do it everyday. In fact, there's a resolution right there. 2013 will be the year of "no pressure." No worries. Hakuna Matata.

Instead of being sad on Christmas, I'm going to make it an adventure!
Instead of wondering what everyone else is doing on New Year's, I'm going to work on making my own New Year's memorable, (hopefully with someone who has also had a few subpar, back-to-back New Year's Eve's).

I got smacked in the face by life recently. And life said to me, "Shut up, bitch!"

Seriously. I have spent far too much time the past couple of years being sad. Really, deeply, heart-wrenchingly sad. I'm not even 100% sure where all this sadness has been coming from. But the general consensus from me, my best friend, my drunk roommate, (and what my mom told me when I was 12), is that I put too much pressure on myself. I always have.

I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough.

In 2013, I want to be enough. ME. For everything I am...AND everything I'm not. 

I'm never going to be a 5'10" runway model. But, I am a comedian.
I'm never going to have Angelina Jolie lips. But, I have Zooey Deschanel eyes.

I'm tired of hurting. And most of this hurt, I brought upon myself. That's the worst part.

In 2013, I want to FORGIVE MYSELF. 

I want to BUILD MY CONFIDENCE. 

I want to HELP MYSELF.

I haven't done much in my personal life that I've been proud of in the past 2 or 3 years.
But I was 2-3 years younger then, and a few years will do wonders for your intelligence and maturity, if you let it.

I'd be willing to bet that almost anyone I've wronged, wouldn't be hanging onto the hurt and guilt, like I am.
(And if they are, then perhaps Forgiveness should be their 2013 resolution as well).

In 2013, it's time to move on. It's time for me to start doing things because they're going to help me, instead of worrying how my tiny decisions will affect others...and not asking or speaking up, for fear of being rejected.

In 2013, it's not about the big picture. That's a lot of pressure for me right now.
It's about the details.

My health. My darling family that constantly proves they'll move mountains for me. My brain, and how it's working (despite all the jokes I make about leaving it on the buses). My stand-up shows, and how I feel like I finally have a voice there, and a connection there. My sweet, sweet boyfriend and one of his laughs that I like to think is just for me (when he's watching "Archer," or especially when I do my "Slingblade" voice).

I've spent so much time regretting the past, that I'm forgetting to live in the moment and appreciate all these things I have in my life that are so great.

Isn't that the point of traveling through the darkness? To bask in the glow on the other side?

I went there. We all make mistakes. I did. I made a lot. But, continuing to wallow is only going to make it worse, and it's going to keep getting worse. And I'm going to keep hurting people, if I keep hurting myself.

I choose to make the change now.

In 2013, I am going to finally find what makes me happy. I am going to chase down (and tackle!) what I want. I am going to actively seek out what I need. I am going to keep people close to me, that make me feel the way I want to feel. And I am going to try my ABSOLUTE HARDEST to make them feel the way they want to feel. And FULLY support them in their endeavors of tackling the things that they want.

"I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else.

But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

Go where you want to go. Be what you want to be.

If you ever turn around, you'll see me."

- The Weepies. 

* This post is dedicated to anyone that I have argued with in the past 48 hours. 

Rest assured, I want to keep you. 

Inspiring friends.

Stephanie McKee

I went to middle school with this lady. She is from an amazingly talented gene pool. Actress/Pageant Queen/Model sister, Ballerina sister, Musician brother. Stephanie is the gifted artist. She is going to change the world someday, I'm convinced. She is currently in South Africa for the summer, bringing art to the walls of a men's prison in Johannesburg. Amazing artist, amazing woman. 

Dennis Eroh. 

Dennis is a friend from high school, who will always have a special place in my heart. On my 18th birthday, he was one of three guests I chose to celebrate with. (the other two being my boyfriend and my brother). It does not matter how long we have gone without talking, the minute we pick conversation up again, it is like we never even left. His writing is beautifully heartbreaking, and he has been someone who's words I have looked up to, for many years. We talked more during my darkest days, than probably anyone, and I learned more from him than he probably realizes. He's strong and confident in his originality, and that is something I will always admire about him. When I first started sharing my writing, Den was there, reading and commenting on them all. I will always remember this comment of his, on something I wrote:

"You're a full-fledged poet now. I don't know if you want it or not, but I can see it in your thoughts: skipping things, forgetting words to write down sentiments instead- learning through writing- journaling as a process instead of a slate."

Roxanne Woltil & Jeffrey Sincich. 

I want a love like this. 

Every time I read Roxanne's cute blog, I get a warm feeling in my heart. It is one of the absolute cutest, and makes me feel like writing, traveling, taking pictures and spending time with the people I hold dearest to my heart. Jeffrey is currently on a bicycle tour from Portland to San Francisco (my city!) and Roxanne is on her way out to meet him for a couple days. I think that's so awesome. Their relationship is one I truly admire. I didn't realize until she posted something about it on her blog, but I was there for her and Jeffrey's first out-of-school hangout, at his birthday dinner (in 2007). I was attempting to court someone at that dinner myself, and I think that's kind of adorable. I wonder, if we had both known that, if we would have been talking in the restaurant bathroom, nervously primping ourselves. Roxanne is now engaged to Jeffrey, and I love that. Their relationship is so unique and lovely. I'm not sure if they know that there are people out there (like me), who's romantic, storybook hearts, flutter with every blog post, or cute picture uploaded. I can only hope that one day, I have a love like that. Two people who are so uniquely perfect for each other, for their similarities, but also their differences, who are committed to FUN and dreams, above all else. 

Isn't it great when you realize how awesome some people in your life are doing? I'm going to go enjoy this day with a full heart. 

Be kind to one another. 

- D

impromptu free-write.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like writing again. So, I went to a favorite corner coffee shop by my apartment, ate lunch alone in the sun, and this is what came out of that. 

The breeze blows my pages up as I struggle to get all my thoughts out, poetically. 

My brain often races, much like the man crossing the street in the final seconds of the walk signal. 

But few times has my heart felt this full.

Mama said there'd by days like that. And there were.

Days revealing the deepest, darkest places I've ever known. 

Not sure what it took for the clouds to change and bring a little lightness my way...but I'm sitting in it now and it is sweet.

Blooming tiny pink flowers on even the tallest of my willows. 

They're getting their happy back, just in time for summer. 

So long sweet misery, you are no longer serving me. 

I'm in the light at the end of the tunnel, looking back at all the grayness that made me stronger. 

How full I feel, crossing over and not looking back, conquering fears.

Staring down at my feet, amazed at how far they've taken me already. 

And how much further they'll go. 

Stay with me for a while, new friend. 

While I share with you my sadness and gladness, struggles and strengths, wellness and woes. 

And when we're done, all I ask is a smile. 

Yours is the best I've ever seen. 

Photo Challenge: Day Six

It took me a long time to write this, because Dre put on "The Sitter" for us to watch. (C'mon brother, it's bloggin' time). But who can turn down a movie? Not me. And Jonah Hill, cool. A movie that starts out with a sex scene, even cooler. So if this post doesn't make sense, you have Dre & Jonah to thank... And judging by the amount of funny one-liners that I've already laughed at, you guys might be in trouble. But I digress... I've got my coffee and I'm ready to write..

Guys, this isn't going well so far. They're playing "Jump on it" in this movie now. Anyway, fighting the urge to get out of my seat and dance....

Earlier this year, I made a resolution to try new things. Lots of new things. A new thing every day. I haven't shared much of this on my blog, aside from the bit about my comedy class. (Which, by the way, starts up again tonight. I'm in the advanced class now, y'all).

But wait....there's more....

Lately, I've been trying to eat eggs. I know, super edgy of me, right? I've always liked eggs, but I haven't been able to get into them that much. Like, I could never eat them in the morning. I would be able to enjoy them in the late afternoon or evenings, but in the morning they always made me kind of nauseous... I don't know, it doesn't make any sense. But today, right before I started blogging, I ate an omelette. And on Sunday, I had a bacon, egg and cheese croissant sandwich....at like 10 am, so I'm making progress.

I have also reconnected with an old flame, in a friendly way. I hate when people hate me, so it has been nice to get back to emailing and laughing at cat videos.

I've also been going on a lot of auditions. There's really only one thing I can say on that subject: It's a good thing I'm in comedy class......so I can make fun of myself.

Day 06: A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

I have a feeling that Ellen Degeneres would just "get me."

Photo Challenge: Day Five

Hello blogisphere,

Since I've been gone, I somehow contracted a nasty ear infection that made me deaf in the left. I had to take an Art History midterm like this...completely half-way deaf, dizzy and nauseous. That, compared with my overall lack of art history knowledge, is probably not going to result in the best grade ever. The next day, after a ten hour school day, I found an urgent care clinic to go to, and I was there for three hours, enduring a really long, really painful ear procedure, to get my hearing back. This made me even more dizzy and nauseous, to the point where I had to lay down on an exam table for a while, until I got my bearings back. After that, my ear was just on fire for the rest of the day. I am allergic to the medicine they normally prescribe for ear infections (lucky me), so I got put on a different medication that....guess what....makes me super nauseous. I went in to get my ear fixed, and I got prescribed medicine that makes me feel physically ill....backwards steps?

The good news is that today is my fifth and final day of crushing pills into powder, and swallowing it down with yogurt that tastes like poison. Oh, that's right....I can't swallow pills. You may remember this from my ten facts on Day One of this challenge. But the doctor wouldn't give me liquid form, because, as he put it... "It's time for me to learn." And I agree with him, however I don't think the best time to learn is when I actually need this medicine in my body asap. I think I should just be able to practice with some mini m&m's on my own time or something. Anyway, it's almost over. The sad thing is that my last day of antibiotics falls on St. Patrick's Day, so I will be curling up with homework and Disney's "The Luck of the Irish" while the entire city of San Francisco is out running the streets. A part of me was really looking forward to my first Irish Car Bomb, but the other part of me is really thankful that I have an excuse to be responsible and bury myself in work on a Saturday night.

Day 05: A photo of your favorite memory.

This one is definitely up there. This trip was a glorious nightmare. During spring break of my senior year, I jetted off to Europe with some of my favorite people from my graduating class, and some of my least favorite underclassmen. We went to France, Germany, Switzerland, Austria and Liechtenstein. We laughed, cried, got terrified for our lives, and wanted to punch some people in the face. But it still remains one of the absolute best times of my life.

This photo was taken in Switzerland. It was really late at night, but a few of us were still awake in the "Haunted Swiss Sorority House" we got stuck in, because some of our housemates were bringing forth spirits with a wigi board. Good thing too, because if I wasn't busy being terrified, I would have missed out on this photo opp, which coincidentally, was also my first time seeing snow. My favorite part of this picture might be the Crocs on my feet.

Photo Challenge: Day Four

Well, I had a three-day blogging streak... not bad. At least I'm returning before March is over. My life in San Francisco is so effing busy. This is a good thing usually, but not when it comes to abandoning your blog and your new year's resolutions. Almost halfway to April, I think there's still time to turn this year around. Since I am so busy, I often capitalize on my down-time (in the form of procrastination and naps), which sometimes results in me having a pile of work to accomplish later. Because of this, coffee has become my life-fuel, as I am quickly becoming nocturnal.

Day 04: A picture of your night.

So, maybe we didn't need an entire day dedicated to relaxation and junk food, after hurting our bodies the night before, at a friend's birthday party. And maybe we certainly didn't need to stay up until 4 am watching "Toddlers & Tiaras"..... but we did. And it felt pretty dang good. (For the record, it was our first time watching it and I wanted to slap 85% of the moms on that show)

Dre & I are also both trying to fight off these little sicknesses that are trying to creep into our bodies...which really puts a damper on things for me, seeing as how it's almost Monday night, which means... it's time for The Voice! I love this show. Something you should know about me is that I love singing and music, and competition shows involving those things. However, every time I watch a show like this, I start singing the songs either with the people competing, or right after they've finished singing. Aside from making me quite the annoying spectator, it also makes me aware of my actual singing abilities.

For example, I am not this girl. Nor am I this girl.

Though I want so badly, to be.

If you want to hear some people who can kill it in ways that I only dream about, watch these cool dudes.