Yoga and Birds.

This year has definitely been one of the hardest years I've gone through in a while. Lots and lots and lots of changes. Some good, some that might not seem so good, but that will surely be for the best. There are many things that I'm uncertain about these days, and not many things that I know for sure, but I know I'm going to come around this chaotic curve of my life, and come out ahead.

I do Candlelit Yoga every Tuesday night, and it is probably the place where I feel most content. It is the one time I feel completely relaxed, completely me. I get so caught up in the daily grind, and with all the wonderful people around me, that I forget to internalize some of that positive energy and give it back to myself. And this idea of "just me" is something I'm going to have to get used to.

Our yoga room had been used for a photo shoot or something earlier, so we couldn't get into our cabinets that held our yoga mats, so we focused a lot more on meditation tonight. Being locked out of the cabinets was a blessing in disguise. I was worried about doing the stretches and everything on the wood floor, because it's hard enough for me to get comfortable on a soft bed, with my new body-hardware. But, a nice meditation was exactly what I needed tonight. It's funny how our minds work sometimes. I'd like to think of myself as a very positive person, but every now and then, my mind will jump to the negative thing first, because a lot of times, it's the easiest to see. Well, that's a lazy mindset, isn't it?

Tonight, my yoga teacher, Abby, told us to first, look at the good side of everything this week. When someone asks how you're doing, try and stop yourself before you say, "I'm ok, BUT.... I'm really stressed out," or something like that. Even if you are having a really "bad" day, find what's good about it. Even if it's just "I'm having a really good hair day."

I think about the idea of a "bad day" and I don't know if I want to believe in those. We're alive and breathing, right? We're healthy? Every day is a good day, under those conditions. Some things we just might not like.

Last week, Abby told us to take the "shoulds" out of our life. She challenged us to not say the word "should."

Not "I should go get my jacket," but rather, "I'm going to go get my jacket." Own it.

She said "shoulds" are other people's judgments, they're not from our voice. "Coulds" come from our own heads and hearts. And "coulds" are also more fun to think about.

"I could learn to play guitar." "I could paint a picture." "I could go to Australia." Try it.

We talked about desire, and our relationship with it. And how sometimes what we're looking for or what we want is right in front of us, but we're too busy looking for it, that we don't see it right away. But it's nice when we do finally see it, isn't it?

Well tonight, we had no mats and there was this loud, relentless drilling outside. The windows were closed to try and block the noise out, so the room was hot. "It's easy to meditate in a cave," Abby said. The challenge is to find that peaceful, meditative state even under more chaotic conditions.

So we meditated. We stretched. We thought. I thought about my friends, one in particular. I think about this person a lot, during yoga. I thought about all these cool things that have happened, that I never, ever thought would happen. I thought about all the things that are working out for me. And all the things I am going to overcome. I visualized myself overcoming them. I thought about how much stronger I'm getting every day. I became lost in these thoughts, until suddenly there was silence. I wasn't thinking about anything anymore. It was just me and my body, and I was present, and I was happy.

I moved my hands to my heart, my head, my lips. And when I opened my eyes, the drilling was done. And in it's place, there was a bird chirping. One little bird, singing it's heart out. At 9:30 pm. In San Francisco.