I dodged death.

(I never know what to title my blogs either, Nikki).

Ok, I know I'm a day late past my promised update. But look how much better I'm getting, I've already blogged twice this week! (the bestie is really crackin' down on me, so I'm sure I will be frequenting the ole blogspot a lot more). Anyway, the excuse I'm using for my tardiness is that I couldn't lift my arms or use my fingers (not even to type!) yesterday.

Maybe that's a bit exaggerated, but I was insanely sore from my gym experience on Monday. Even this morning, waking up was hard, because I had pretty much solidified into place over night and had to endure about a minute of stretching and shaking before I could comfortably move.

Believe it or not, patience is not really one of my strong suits, so you can imagine how restless (and out of shape) I've been getting since I haven't been functioning at my full physical potential in 7 months. (My surgery was 7 months ago? That's crazy)! Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it feels like.. years ago, because I'm so much better off than I was, just a few short months ago.

Anyway, I've been anxious to get back in the gym. So, Monday morning, I woke up at 8:30 am (which is about 8 hours earlier than I've been waking up the majority of this break). It was hard to believe I actually responded to my alarm that early, especially because I was up FaceTime'ing until an ungodly hour of the night. (Where did that phrase come from - ungodly? If you figure it out, I'll give you extra credit. This one too: "Dress to the nines"). I'm very interested in where our phrases and words come from.

So, today, I feel the need to share with you... working out is HARD!! I am desperately trying to get back into shape after my surgery. (Okay, desperately thinking about trying to get back in shape). I think I can count on 2 hands the amount of stuff I've actually done physically, since my operation, because I was out of commission for so long. (When you can't lift a gallon of milk for months, and can't brush your hair or sit up on your own, your self-esteem and independence goes straight down). One of the physical activities I did try is what we call "The Gauntlet", which consists of running up my street, all the way to the water, and back, which is basically a 5k... and yes, it's as painful as it sounds. And when I say "up", let's not forget that I live in San Francisco, so I mean UP!!!

So, Monday I decided I wanted to hit the gym hard. I don't really know what it means to ease into something...with anything. When it comes to anything I've ever done, or liked, I just dive headfirst into it, pretty much immediately. (That is why, the very first physical activity I tried after surgery was the previously mentioned Gauntlet).

Sidenote: I was the only one in the Gauntlet group who didn't throw up on our venture. This will be important later.

And that is also why I decided to take the "Circuit Sensations" class Monday at 9:30 am...using 2 risers instead of 1, under my step, so I could have an "increased cardio experience."

Yeah, excuse me... WHAT was I thinking?! There were some parts during that workout where I actually thought I was going to die! (or at least throw up, and I have never thrown up during a workout. I have a pretty resilient stomach. It's only weakness is... other people throwing up).

So anyway, my stomach was reminding me that we only had 2 Eggos for breakfast that morning, (and we had them right before the class started, like.. as I was pulling into the parking lot), my chest and ribs were on FIRE, and my muscles were screamin'! But I tried my hardest stickin' it out 'till the end, despite my belief that I might pass out at any second. (It really is a good class though, and I can't wait until I'm back at my physical peak)!

And, after surviving circuits (woo, I survived!), I followed it up with the yoga class, to stretch out and meditate.

While I'm on this subject, I would seriously recommend yoga to anyone! There are so many different styles and you'd be surprised at how accessible classes are in every area. And it's amazing how much better I feel afterwards.

This particular class was very relaxing, and during certain poses I could feel my muscles softening and lengthening, and I could feel the physical stresses leaving my body. We meditated laying down, and the longer I laid there, and the more I cleared my mind, I could just feel myself melting into the floor, into complete and utter relaxation.

Then I left the gym, headed to Moe's and followed up my workout with a huge-ass burrito.

Yoga and Birds.

This year has definitely been one of the hardest years I've gone through in a while. Lots and lots and lots of changes. Some good, some that might not seem so good, but that will surely be for the best. There are many things that I'm uncertain about these days, and not many things that I know for sure, but I know I'm going to come around this chaotic curve of my life, and come out ahead.

I do Candlelit Yoga every Tuesday night, and it is probably the place where I feel most content. It is the one time I feel completely relaxed, completely me. I get so caught up in the daily grind, and with all the wonderful people around me, that I forget to internalize some of that positive energy and give it back to myself. And this idea of "just me" is something I'm going to have to get used to.

Our yoga room had been used for a photo shoot or something earlier, so we couldn't get into our cabinets that held our yoga mats, so we focused a lot more on meditation tonight. Being locked out of the cabinets was a blessing in disguise. I was worried about doing the stretches and everything on the wood floor, because it's hard enough for me to get comfortable on a soft bed, with my new body-hardware. But, a nice meditation was exactly what I needed tonight. It's funny how our minds work sometimes. I'd like to think of myself as a very positive person, but every now and then, my mind will jump to the negative thing first, because a lot of times, it's the easiest to see. Well, that's a lazy mindset, isn't it?

Tonight, my yoga teacher, Abby, told us to first, look at the good side of everything this week. When someone asks how you're doing, try and stop yourself before you say, "I'm ok, BUT.... I'm really stressed out," or something like that. Even if you are having a really "bad" day, find what's good about it. Even if it's just "I'm having a really good hair day."

I think about the idea of a "bad day" and I don't know if I want to believe in those. We're alive and breathing, right? We're healthy? Every day is a good day, under those conditions. Some things we just might not like.

Last week, Abby told us to take the "shoulds" out of our life. She challenged us to not say the word "should."

Not "I should go get my jacket," but rather, "I'm going to go get my jacket." Own it.

She said "shoulds" are other people's judgments, they're not from our voice. "Coulds" come from our own heads and hearts. And "coulds" are also more fun to think about.

"I could learn to play guitar." "I could paint a picture." "I could go to Australia." Try it.

We talked about desire, and our relationship with it. And how sometimes what we're looking for or what we want is right in front of us, but we're too busy looking for it, that we don't see it right away. But it's nice when we do finally see it, isn't it?

Well tonight, we had no mats and there was this loud, relentless drilling outside. The windows were closed to try and block the noise out, so the room was hot. "It's easy to meditate in a cave," Abby said. The challenge is to find that peaceful, meditative state even under more chaotic conditions.

So we meditated. We stretched. We thought. I thought about my friends, one in particular. I think about this person a lot, during yoga. I thought about all these cool things that have happened, that I never, ever thought would happen. I thought about all the things that are working out for me. And all the things I am going to overcome. I visualized myself overcoming them. I thought about how much stronger I'm getting every day. I became lost in these thoughts, until suddenly there was silence. I wasn't thinking about anything anymore. It was just me and my body, and I was present, and I was happy.

I moved my hands to my heart, my head, my lips. And when I opened my eyes, the drilling was done. And in it's place, there was a bird chirping. One little bird, singing it's heart out. At 9:30 pm. In San Francisco.

plodding along

It's kind of been so hard for me to adjust back into my San Francisco life. On the one hand, it feels great to be back. It feels great to see my friends here, especially the SF BFFs, Andrew and Lauren. And for the friends I haven't seen yet, I am looking forward to it. But on the other hand, everything feels funny. I don't think I was quite ready to come back yet.. I didn't feel like I had enough un-interrupted time in Florida. My surgery really took it out of me and there are so many things/people I would have really liked to soak up more while I was there. That being said, I was very blessed to have accomplished all the things I accomplished while I was down there, given the circumstances, and I can't really explain my sadness.

I've cried a lot in the past few months, but the other night was a doozy. I really think that having an animal here to cuddle and take care of, would help me a lot with my loneliness. In order to get approved, I'd have to see a therapist, and get their consent. I feel like I could make a pretty good case though.

I've been going to yoga every week. That's really nice. I might start going twice. And I've been trying to meditate more. It really helps in so many ways.

Today I went to see "Never Let Me Go" with Andrew. It was a beautiful film, I would definitely recommend it... but bring tissues, because it is one of the saddest flicks I've seen in a long time. Superb acting! Carey Mulligan is absolutely fabulous. And I love her hair!!

I've been watching a lot of stand up comedy. I'm going to start writing some acts here soon I think, Andrew said that by next summer I will be doing open mic nights. We'll see how that goes- I nearly had a heart attack the other day, when I had to sing in front of the class.

Tonight I had a lovely dinner at a small chinese place, with the sweetest asian staff ever. They comped my pot stickers, because they said that my meal took too long to come out, which it didn't. And their tea was just delightful.