People Pleasing.

Light sensitivity, dry eyes and blurred vision... all a result of an outdated lens prescription and nightly self-compelled sleep deprivation. I can't say that sleep is something I've been missing out on (so far) this summer, I've just opted for a nearly nocturnal lifestyle. I mostly blame my brain for it's incessant late-night thought processes. But it's understandable. I've had a lot to think about.

I am a glorified people-pleaser, and at the height of my quarter-life crisis, I am having to ask myself many questions like, "Who am I?" & "What do I want?", because these are topics I don't think I've fully addressed in a very long time.

What I want is often defined by the ones around me. Not because I don't have a mind of my own, or because I follow suit easily, but because...that's what I want: People around me. I've believed for so long that relationships (all kinds, not just romantic ones), are the most important parts of my life. I fully believe that famous Maya Angelou quote:

"People will forget what you said,

People will forget what you did,

But people will never forget how you made them feel."

I have been nearly obsessed with concepts similar to this one, for so long that it's come to the point where I don't allow myself any mistakes. And when I do slip up, I spend so much time hating myself that I forget to cultivate relationship #1: Self.

Oddly enough, that is something that has played a toxic component (and the downfall) in many of my relationships.

Mastin Kipp wrote on his amazing blog, The Daily Love, that

"Many times it's those closest to us whom we get angriest with (this is something I've always believed to be true) - for something they seem to be withholding from us. But, if we take a step back and look, my guess is that we'll see how we are actually withholding the thing we want most from them."

"What you see missing from the world is what you're withholding from it."

-Eckart Tolle

I'm in the process of backing up, to improve my relationships. There's no room in my heart for judgment and negativity, and now that they've entered my mind, I am closing up shop early, before they get too comfortable.

It was a rude awakening when I realized that the current of people-pleasing had drifted me so far past my beach blanket that I didn't know if I'd make it back there before sundown. It's not a good thing to feel lost in an ocean of discontentment.

Mastin Kipp also said:

"You may think being a people-pleaser makes you a 'good' person and is perhaps even a generous or loving way to be. But I strongly disagree. From my point of view, it's very selfish to be a people-pleaser. Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about YOU. You are the one who wants to be liked. You are the one who does not want to upset anyone. You are the one protecting yourself from confrontation. And you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you TRULY are. And by doing all of those things, you are keeping Yourself, your Light and your Love from the world - and that is selfish."

My insecurity and fear have been running my life. Fear is stopping me from being me...or from figuring out who that is. And fear is prohibiting me from exploring other options for FEAR of what others might think of me.

And as Mastin says,

"The more you like yourself, the more pleasing you will be to other people."

I've never been one to blame others, but rather myself, for any shortcomings I've experienced in my life. These shortcomings are and what have been, what eventually helps me to grow the most.

A friend of mine, when noticing how often I apologize, told me that you only have to say sorry once, and then trust when the other person forgives you, that you are truly forgiven. This is one area of trust that I have a problem with. This mindset will help to ease my mind, once I grasp it.

I need to stop thinking, re-thinking and over-thinking past and future decisions of mine, and learn, love and live in the moment.

Wherever I am, I choose to be there fully.

Mastin Kipp talks about the seasons of our lives that we go through. Right now it's Summer and I'm in Winter. And that's okay. This is my period of rest and rejuvenation. Rebirth. I must go through this season to get to the next, where I will plant new seeds, and grow.

I'm not afraid for things to be different, I'm afraid for things to change.

But as Jason Mraz says,

"Do your best and forget the rest."

A few more of these positive sayings believed and embraced and I'll be on my way to having the time of my life.

I'm still working on everything. I'm by no means an expert...at anything. I am a student of life and I'm allowed to mess up. It's how we pick ourselves up after we fall down that defines our true character.

I think I'll continue writing about toxic topics I'm ready to let go of.

But for now, I think Jason Mraz is onto something with that whole "beginner" thing.

And it does make an awesome tattoo.

Thanks for listening.