I love being a girl.

My day started out really great. I went to the gym and yoga (you will hear about this tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow for real. I really am trying to get better at this blogging thing). I felt good, as I usually do when starting and/or ending my days with yoga. However, about mid-day, a funk came over me, and I sat on the couch listening to music and getting lost in pages I was reading and writing, absolutely content in my lonesomeness. I started to get a little cranky, as it was time for me to re-enter the world I was mad at (my hearts and deepest condolences go out to the SPPD and those affected by today's shooting).

This is when I started takin' names. I was no longer a joy to be around, and if you had the UNpleasure of running into me today, you would have been best off seeing me at 11:30 am, because that was my peak. Just moments ago, I unleashed my internal fury on a close, unsuspecting friend. And then tried to apologize immediately after, but only did a mediocre job at it, because for some reason, I was still a little heated. About what? I couldn't tell you.

I thought it would be best for me to just go back into my little cave of solitude and silence, before ultimately grabbing a coffee from Starbucks (with a side of happy pills), and going to see a movie with my dear friends, who I miss terribly when I'm in SF.

However, on my venture home, I got a little misty-eyed. This is the emotional spiral that is inevitable for me. I can stay mad for whole minutes before I break down into a crying mess, trying to take all the blame for the whole world's problems. I tried snapping myself out of it, before the tears really got a'flowin, and it worked, (thank you, Katy Perry, for your catchy sing-alongs).

As I was pulling into my neighborhood, I drove past a cracked blue reflector on the street, and I LOST it! Completely broke down, crying, sniffling mess. (Now, this sounds stupid, but wait...). As I was driving, I thought this cracked blue reflector was a dead frog. The same frog I thought I ran over just days ago. I remember the bestie having to talk me down from that potential nightmare. "No, I'm sure you didn't hit it. You're fine. Don't think about it." He was right, because this "dead frog" was, like I said, a broken reflector.

But since I had been crying, because... something invaded my body today, making me the most sensitive person on the planet, (in the universe, maybe).. I kind of sniffled.. or inhaled too hard, and then started choking. This choking in turn, hurt my chest, because, you know... I hit the gym hard today.

So there I was, a sight to behold! Choking, crying, in my driveway, to R.E.M's "Everybody Hurts." (much like Dwight, in The Office).

For no. reason. at. all.

And now, as I'm typing this, I am laughing.

I just might be getting my monthly visitor soon.

for lack of a better post.

This is one of the first posts I've ever made, where I haven't written it out on paper prior to typing it, or had much of a plan for it at all. Again, it's been a long, long time since I last posted something, and I didn't follow through with the posts about my amazing friends, so stay tuned for that. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I have a serious problem with following through with things. I'm adding that to my new year's resolutions, along with writing more and getting in shape after surgery.

I have so many things that have been on my mind lately. I'm really enjoying my time at home (oh, by the way, I'm visiting home!), but I have been doing SO much thinking and self-reflecting. Despite everything, there has been a lot of good that has come out of this. It's interesting hanging out with people who are so different from you, because you learn a lot about yourself in the process. I think I am finally getting to the place I've been trying to get to for a while, and I think this is a good thing, heading into 2011. I am feeling much more confident in myself and more motivated to do the good things that are filling up my head. And while I have taken a challenging and somewhat toxic approach to get there, I am close to feeling better about myself everyday. And I can't wait to get going on some of the things I have planned for the new year!

I hope everyone had a happy and safe new year! Congratulations to everyone who got some good holiday news and excitement! And I will be back from my rut soon.

thankfulness.

It's quiet and lonely on my street this Thanksgiving week. It's amazing how much comfort a peppermint brownie and pumpkin spice latte can bring. Lots of people went home for Thanksgiving, or traveled elsewhere for loved ones, and that makes me really happy. I think everyone should be able to spend Thanksgiving with their family and friends. We all get so busy, it's a nice excuse to get everyone together for dinner, and to hang out and catch up. In fact, on Thanksgiving day, I was talking to Alex's uncle's dad, and he said we need to plan a West Coast reunion, because as silly as it sounds, there are eight of us living in the SF Bay Area now and this is the first time we've seen each other in months...all year, unless rides to/from the airport count.

Everyone who's not home for Thanksgiving however, are consumed by school work and stressed to the max...which doesn't make me as happy. But, here's where I get to brag about my friends. They are all so incredible!! Such kind, hardworking, genuine, talented, honest and loving beings. We are all sensitive, emotional and crazy in our own right... and we are all beautiful.

The closer we get to the holidays, the more people I notice around me. I know this is silly, and that I should notice people around me all the time, but I'm human, and I try my best. There's just something about the holiday season that makes me look around more. Perhaps this is why I like it so much. Tonight, I had dinner with my lovely new friend Joseph. And after dinner, we gave our leftovers to this tiny, cute, homeless lady. Our first response when she came up to us, quietly asking a question we didn't really hear, was, "Sorry, we don't have any cash." (which was true). But this adorable little lady, in the cutest voice, said, "I'm not asking for money. Do you have any food?" and I was sooo happy that we had just eaten and could say "YES!" to that question. She looked up at us with puppy dog eyes (seriously!) and said, "God bless you", and then limped away. I got such a warm feeling in my heart from this encounter. And on my walk back home, I saw a man playing Christmas songs on his steel drum... something I've always wanted to do, but I feel like every year it comes faster than I can prepare for.

I feel like I have changed so much in this year-and-a-little-bit that I've been living in San Francisco...most of it for the better. I am becoming so much more in tune with myself, and eventually that will turn into better confidence, the more I push myself. I am finally able to verbalize thoughts and ideals that are important to me. And I am learning to love myself deeper than I'm used to.

I really need to step my game up with this blogging thing, because this whole "once a month" thing just isn't working for me. Soooo, I am going to piggy back off of Roxanne's lists, (people she's thankful for and her Quirks Project, in a way) to just brag about my amazingly wonderful friends a little more. Maybe they'll read it and believe me when I say "you really, truly are a beautiful person." And maybe they won't, but their goodness is just too good not to share, ya know?

I'm too busy for everything.

This is what I've been up to lately.

Notice my 2 giant friends in the back.

Yoga and Birds.

This year has definitely been one of the hardest years I've gone through in a while. Lots and lots and lots of changes. Some good, some that might not seem so good, but that will surely be for the best. There are many things that I'm uncertain about these days, and not many things that I know for sure, but I know I'm going to come around this chaotic curve of my life, and come out ahead.

I do Candlelit Yoga every Tuesday night, and it is probably the place where I feel most content. It is the one time I feel completely relaxed, completely me. I get so caught up in the daily grind, and with all the wonderful people around me, that I forget to internalize some of that positive energy and give it back to myself. And this idea of "just me" is something I'm going to have to get used to.

Our yoga room had been used for a photo shoot or something earlier, so we couldn't get into our cabinets that held our yoga mats, so we focused a lot more on meditation tonight. Being locked out of the cabinets was a blessing in disguise. I was worried about doing the stretches and everything on the wood floor, because it's hard enough for me to get comfortable on a soft bed, with my new body-hardware. But, a nice meditation was exactly what I needed tonight. It's funny how our minds work sometimes. I'd like to think of myself as a very positive person, but every now and then, my mind will jump to the negative thing first, because a lot of times, it's the easiest to see. Well, that's a lazy mindset, isn't it?

Tonight, my yoga teacher, Abby, told us to first, look at the good side of everything this week. When someone asks how you're doing, try and stop yourself before you say, "I'm ok, BUT.... I'm really stressed out," or something like that. Even if you are having a really "bad" day, find what's good about it. Even if it's just "I'm having a really good hair day."

I think about the idea of a "bad day" and I don't know if I want to believe in those. We're alive and breathing, right? We're healthy? Every day is a good day, under those conditions. Some things we just might not like.

Last week, Abby told us to take the "shoulds" out of our life. She challenged us to not say the word "should."

Not "I should go get my jacket," but rather, "I'm going to go get my jacket." Own it.

She said "shoulds" are other people's judgments, they're not from our voice. "Coulds" come from our own heads and hearts. And "coulds" are also more fun to think about.

"I could learn to play guitar." "I could paint a picture." "I could go to Australia." Try it.

We talked about desire, and our relationship with it. And how sometimes what we're looking for or what we want is right in front of us, but we're too busy looking for it, that we don't see it right away. But it's nice when we do finally see it, isn't it?

Well tonight, we had no mats and there was this loud, relentless drilling outside. The windows were closed to try and block the noise out, so the room was hot. "It's easy to meditate in a cave," Abby said. The challenge is to find that peaceful, meditative state even under more chaotic conditions.

So we meditated. We stretched. We thought. I thought about my friends, one in particular. I think about this person a lot, during yoga. I thought about all these cool things that have happened, that I never, ever thought would happen. I thought about all the things that are working out for me. And all the things I am going to overcome. I visualized myself overcoming them. I thought about how much stronger I'm getting every day. I became lost in these thoughts, until suddenly there was silence. I wasn't thinking about anything anymore. It was just me and my body, and I was present, and I was happy.

I moved my hands to my heart, my head, my lips. And when I opened my eyes, the drilling was done. And in it's place, there was a bird chirping. One little bird, singing it's heart out. At 9:30 pm. In San Francisco.

plodding along

It's kind of been so hard for me to adjust back into my San Francisco life. On the one hand, it feels great to be back. It feels great to see my friends here, especially the SF BFFs, Andrew and Lauren. And for the friends I haven't seen yet, I am looking forward to it. But on the other hand, everything feels funny. I don't think I was quite ready to come back yet.. I didn't feel like I had enough un-interrupted time in Florida. My surgery really took it out of me and there are so many things/people I would have really liked to soak up more while I was there. That being said, I was very blessed to have accomplished all the things I accomplished while I was down there, given the circumstances, and I can't really explain my sadness.

I've cried a lot in the past few months, but the other night was a doozy. I really think that having an animal here to cuddle and take care of, would help me a lot with my loneliness. In order to get approved, I'd have to see a therapist, and get their consent. I feel like I could make a pretty good case though.

I've been going to yoga every week. That's really nice. I might start going twice. And I've been trying to meditate more. It really helps in so many ways.

Today I went to see "Never Let Me Go" with Andrew. It was a beautiful film, I would definitely recommend it... but bring tissues, because it is one of the saddest flicks I've seen in a long time. Superb acting! Carey Mulligan is absolutely fabulous. And I love her hair!!

I've been watching a lot of stand up comedy. I'm going to start writing some acts here soon I think, Andrew said that by next summer I will be doing open mic nights. We'll see how that goes- I nearly had a heart attack the other day, when I had to sing in front of the class.

Tonight I had a lovely dinner at a small chinese place, with the sweetest asian staff ever. They comped my pot stickers, because they said that my meal took too long to come out, which it didn't. And their tea was just delightful.

Back from my hole x2

My world is falling apart around me.

I still retain that I love everyone and everything, and that I am extremely blessed.

More later... and I am very much looking forward to scrolling back through all the posts I've missed from you lovelies.