there is no happy ending

to an unhappy journey.

RIP Noah

There's nothing like a week of terrible news to remind you not to sweat the small stuff, not to create enemies, and keep your loved ones close and tell them you love them every chance you get, because life is far too short, not to cherish every second of every day.

I'll never understand why God picks his flowers before they're fully bloomed, but at least we were fortunate enough

to share their beauty, if only briefly.

Rest in Peace, Noah.

December 18, 1988 - November 18, 2011

Halloweek F'd us up.

Wondering where I've been? We had some good friends from Florida visiting us for Halloweek.

(Yep, that makes 7 people in our studio apt...woo!)

We have a million pictures detailing the crazy fun times we had, (and why I was MIA)...

but I think this one sums it up pretty nicely:

(left to right: Diane, Dan, me, Chrissy). Love them HARD.

Early Morning Motivation

It's been one of those months where I can't keep track of my brain. I'd like to commend it for being out in the world doing (or, at least thinking about doing) crazy awesome things. But I'd also like to welcome it back into my head, whenever it's ready. I know my screenwriting teacher is ready for another script from me, and well... I need my brain for that.

I don't really want to rush it, because I know it's out there, working hard and figuring out who we are (her and I), but sometimes I worry it's working too hard. Plus, I worry about it out there, spending so much time away from my body. We've got a pretty big checklist of things to get done ourselves, before we can start gathering new projects, and more unrealistic expectations of things we need to do, or who we need to be, in the next year.

So, for the short time being, while I'm actually connected with my brain (she should really have her own name by now... and let's hope she sticks around long enough for my midterm this morning), I want to take this time to remind us (me, and the others out there who, too, have lost their brains to what they think are bigger and better things)...that we really are good enough. For anything we want to be good enough for! I know this is hard to believe if you're like me and compare yourself to every living organism on this planet...but I promise it's true!

I get down on myself a lot for wanting, or wanting to do too many things. I never thought having too many wild dreams would be a bad thing, until I realized that there wasn't enough time in a day to be 50 places at once...and still pass all my classes. So, that is why I'm reminding myself now (and anyone who needs it), that WE ARE AWESOME!! We are awesome for even wanting to do so many things, and for tackling the things that we do, everyday!

So, we're full right now... One day, our lives will slow down a tiny bit and open up just enough for something new. And being full is not a bad thing...as long as you're full of things you love!

So friends, heed my warning:

DON'T JUDGE YOURSELF.

Be your best friend.

Love Yourself.

...or how can you expect anyone else to?

And there ARE people out there who want to love you. And they might not even know it yet.

Grab a hold of that brain of yours and show off what ya' got!

It's taken me a long, and rather painful road to get here (and posting a blog of early morning ramblings by no means makes me an expert, oorrr means that I'm cured of all my negative thoughts), but... I'm trying harder to love myself. So that I can welcome in love from others.

Sometimes when I'm being extremely hard on myself, I picture myself as Toddler-Me.

Like this:

Get a mental picture of you as a little happy baby kid. (I know I have a few).

And then I think.... "What did she ever to do you?"

And seeing me, with a toothless smile and sunglasses on, makes me feel a little bad for hating on myself as long as I did.

I thought I was a superstar then, why don't I now?

And while I honestly believe that the best things come out of me late PM/early AM, I still don't think it's a good sign when I'm still up writing (homework 1st, blog 2nd), when the roommates' alarms go off at 6:30 am, to go surfing...

So, I'll leave you with this, before my train of thought runs off it's tracks:

"Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human."

- Tony Robbins, is a best-selling author and motivational speaker. *

* taken from an excerpt from The Daily Love

I know I suck at this.

But... I can explain.

SF life has been crazy. Crazy good and.....well, crazy crazy. I might have to review those pictures from my last post a little more often, to remind myself that I really do have a killer time out here. (I don't really have to remind myself that I love San Francisco). What I mean by that is... I have to remind myself that I love being a broke art student in San Francisco :)

I found my old blog today, from right before I moved to SF. I completely forgot that I had this blog, and I'm not sure why I ever quit writing in it, except that I was new to the blogisphere, and didn't know how to act yet. I took it as a good sign that I giggled my way through reading it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm actually funny, or if it's because it's 6:30 am and I haven't slept yet...and I'm not going to. But regardless, it makes me feel like maybe my dreams of being on the "Top 7 Comics to Watch" list at Punchline Comedy Club, aren't sooooo far away after all. (Even if the audience does have to be sleep deprived to enjoy me).

I actually only stumbled upon my old blog, after reading a blog post by my high school friend about rock-climbing in Yosemite, who recently watched his friend and climbing partner fall 170 feet, almost to his death, and then they saved each other, and doctors saved them....and at the end they were smiling like they were posing for a picture at Disney World. If I was smiling at the end of that, I would also be in tears....and maybe throwing up....or passing out. Anyway, I wanted to comment and tell him how amazing that is, and then realized that I had an old blog, when it auto-filled in all my comment information. If you're bored at work or something, like I was when I wrote these old posts, you can check 'em out here. Start at the bottom and work your way up, or it might be confusing. (Not really, but it's a more interesting read that way). I guess. I promise it's not as good as Taylor's rock climbing rescue stories, but if you're into subpar tales from work and little volleyball injuries, then it'll be right up your alley.

170 foot free fall and still smiling....sometimes it amazes me what a human can endure. And there's always something to put stuff in perspective for us. For example, (well.... that. When's the last time you fell off a mountain?) But also, the other day I was complaining about money... (my $11 an hour job wasn't cutting it....but really it's not. San Francisco, remember)? And then I got a letter in the mail from a field agent in India, who works with the girl I sponsor through Children International. (Want more info? Ask me! I'm pretty much an expert, I almost got fired from there). Anyway, my beautiful 11 year old Indian girl and her family live on.... $2... A day.

That's hard for me to imagine for A HUNDRED reasons, at least. One, because it's $2...and in America we frame $2 bills because they're "special." And two, because I'm actually swaying in my desk chair from dizziness right now, after my 29 cent meal of ramen noodles last night. Clearly not enough food to feed an actual human, so my poor growing baby in India should definitely not have to worry about that. Her name is Tarjina and I'm not sure that I have fully expressed how beautiful she is yet, so I'll post a picture of her soon, so you guys can also love her from afar, like I do.

I have class tomorrow and I'm not fully prepared for it...although I feel like I am more prepared for this class, than the next class, and the class after that. (And my online screenwriting class, which I could probably do better in if I fell asleep with my head on the keyboard and just turned in UWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE).

Times is tough, friends. But like I said....perspective. I may be broke and hungry and one day homeless (not a joke), but at least I have the opportunity to be in school right now, learning about the career that I love the most (regardless of what my grades reflect). And besides... falling out of your desk chair from ramen withdrawals is not nearly as bad as falling off of a mountain.

Save me, San Francisco.

I'm back. I left Florida quickly and abruptly...since I had procrastinated leaving as long as I could. This summer...this year...it's one for the books. It was stressful, painful, enlightening and awesome.

I've learned all about pain in all forms. I've learned that I can overcome way more than I thought I could. I've learned that "fate" and coincidence can find you anywhere. I've learned that if you aren't looking for something, you'll find it...and that if you want something, you can get it. I've learned that YOU are your best healer. Good people around you can help you, but if you want to change something, ultimately you're the only one who can. And I've learned that I have good people around me. I've learned not to let everyone get to me. I've learned that I have some serious shit to work out, but I've learned that I'm not the only one. I've learned not to be afraid of things unknown, and conquering your fears...because you just might rock at all of that! I'm learning to be confident and honest, because there are some people out there that will like you for your sweatpants. I've learned that jealousy is pointless; if someone's doing something that you wanna do - go do it. Easy. I've learned that having kick ass friends is the best thing you could ever really have. And I've learned that you're never really as far away as you think you are.

I'll miss you, as always, Florida...but I am probably more excited than ever before, to be back in San Francisco.

I have some summer recaps and thank you's to share, but for now I'm just enjoying being back in this beautiful city, with beautiful people (4 of my favorite guys sharin' a studio...Sardine Parties every night!), getting back into my daily yoga and livin' life.

We're all settling in quite nicely, but since my phone won't upload our most recent pics, please enjoy these photos of past SF experiences.

Let the games begin.

MIA.

It seems that no matter how many times I tell myself to blog more, I have a few good, inspiring days and then fall out of the habit again. I really like blogging, and sharing my days with friends, old and new, on all ends of the country, and I really enjoy writing, so I'm not sure why this is so hard for me. It seems like everyone I follow on here is such a good blogger too, so I have tons of encouragement to keep comin' back. It's the same with journaling. I have hundreds, no thousands, of unfinished journals all over my mom's house and my apartment, which I was stoked to dive into...but eventually fell out of. It's definitely a new years resolution of mine. I was doing well this summer, writing something every day, even if I didn't feel like it was interesting enough....but I'm a couple weeks behind. My friend Kevin from San Francisco, is a journaling role model for me. He has written in his journal every day, since he was in 8th grade...and he's 26 now. Incredible! I even got to be a "guest writer" in his journal last semester, because he spent the night at my house every Tuesday night, so we experienced a lot of things together.

Along with the journaling dedication I'm trying to uphold, I am also doing a sort of other experiment: to try something new every single day. I was actually doing really well with that. One day I tried raw sushi. Another day I went paddle boarding for the first time. This past week I drove to Savannah, GA and back, by myself! I definitely plan on keeping this "try new things" thing up. I'll share some with you guys too!

I don't know if my lack of journaling/blogging this summer has had something to do with the little emotional rut I landed in this summer, or if it's because I am away from my green couch...where much of my inspiration comes from. But whatever the case, I miss it, and will be making an effort to come back to it.

People Watching.

I wrote this on the beach the other day.

I'm sitting at the beach now. It's off and on slightly overcast and really sunny. And to the right of me there are darker sections in the sky, like maybe some rain clouds are a'brewin'. I love people watching on the beach. It's fun anywhere, but it's especially relaxing on the beach.

I love the families equipped with a plethora of beach toys for the youngsters. I love how I didn't bring music or head phones so I could concentrate on the waves, but there is almost always one person dj'ing from their beach towel, so I can bob my head a little after-all. I love the leathered old men duos who sit in their chairs, side by side, talking about life and how it's changed...and how it's stayed the same. Hearing them say, "I love my mama, I'll tell you that. She would've loved this vacation." Who then venture down to the water together and float, how only slightly heavyset older men can.

I love the kids desperately trying to get their kite off the ground. I love the bronzed older men who look as if they've never spent a day off the beach in their entire lives. I love the beach games- shovels and buckets for younger boys and girls, footballs and frisbees for the older ones. I love the man who walks along the beach with a metal detector and the one who picks up all the recyclables.

I love the old couples- slow walking and wrinkled, who've felt more life in their feet than mine can even imagine thus far. And how he still waits for her and holds her waist, so she doesn't stumble on a sand dune, while she intently watches the little children who run up to the edge of the water and quickly retreat, giggling, when the sea touches their toes. I love the stand-up paddlers. (I want to try that SO bad...and WILL soon)! I love the child who insists on burying himself and his brother in the sand, and the mom who laughs with them and takes pictures, even though she knows it's going to be a nightmare for her car. I love the hot moms in bikinis, I want to be one of them one day.

I love the man who asked me, "How's the water today?" and then struck up a conversation with me about film school, The Doors and Sylvester Stallone, and then handed me a coin from Ireland (1968), said a little prayer on it and deemed it "my lucky coin". I want to make a necklace out of it. And as if that wasn't cool enough, his kindness went further, asking if he could bring anything back from the snack bar for me... also adding that I really need to see Back to the Future, so that I'll get the "You are my density, Destini" joke (and besides, it's just "a really great picture").

It's amazing what can happen for you when you change your mindset.

In moments like this, I feel like my lost "no worries" lifestyle might not be as far as I thought.

I wonder where this man came from. We talked for quite a bit, about Florida vs. California beaches. He said nothing's quite as calm and peaceful as Florida beaches, especially in this area, and I agreed. We talked about how sad it was what happened to Michael J. Fox, and we talked about family and what my parents did. When I told him about my dad (or lack thereof), he said, "Wow, that's a shame...he really missed out on a gem." He told me my mom raised me right because I was very sweet, waved to me, and walked down the beach, along the water, until I completely lost sight of him.

Oh anonymous beach angel, thank you for your visit today. It made my whole month.

People Pleasing.

Light sensitivity, dry eyes and blurred vision... all a result of an outdated lens prescription and nightly self-compelled sleep deprivation. I can't say that sleep is something I've been missing out on (so far) this summer, I've just opted for a nearly nocturnal lifestyle. I mostly blame my brain for it's incessant late-night thought processes. But it's understandable. I've had a lot to think about.

I am a glorified people-pleaser, and at the height of my quarter-life crisis, I am having to ask myself many questions like, "Who am I?" & "What do I want?", because these are topics I don't think I've fully addressed in a very long time.

What I want is often defined by the ones around me. Not because I don't have a mind of my own, or because I follow suit easily, but because...that's what I want: People around me. I've believed for so long that relationships (all kinds, not just romantic ones), are the most important parts of my life. I fully believe that famous Maya Angelou quote:

"People will forget what you said,

People will forget what you did,

But people will never forget how you made them feel."

I have been nearly obsessed with concepts similar to this one, for so long that it's come to the point where I don't allow myself any mistakes. And when I do slip up, I spend so much time hating myself that I forget to cultivate relationship #1: Self.

Oddly enough, that is something that has played a toxic component (and the downfall) in many of my relationships.

Mastin Kipp wrote on his amazing blog, The Daily Love, that

"Many times it's those closest to us whom we get angriest with (this is something I've always believed to be true) - for something they seem to be withholding from us. But, if we take a step back and look, my guess is that we'll see how we are actually withholding the thing we want most from them."

"What you see missing from the world is what you're withholding from it."

-Eckart Tolle

I'm in the process of backing up, to improve my relationships. There's no room in my heart for judgment and negativity, and now that they've entered my mind, I am closing up shop early, before they get too comfortable.

It was a rude awakening when I realized that the current of people-pleasing had drifted me so far past my beach blanket that I didn't know if I'd make it back there before sundown. It's not a good thing to feel lost in an ocean of discontentment.

Mastin Kipp also said:

"You may think being a people-pleaser makes you a 'good' person and is perhaps even a generous or loving way to be. But I strongly disagree. From my point of view, it's very selfish to be a people-pleaser. Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about YOU. You are the one who wants to be liked. You are the one who does not want to upset anyone. You are the one protecting yourself from confrontation. And you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you TRULY are. And by doing all of those things, you are keeping Yourself, your Light and your Love from the world - and that is selfish."

My insecurity and fear have been running my life. Fear is stopping me from being me...or from figuring out who that is. And fear is prohibiting me from exploring other options for FEAR of what others might think of me.

And as Mastin says,

"The more you like yourself, the more pleasing you will be to other people."

I've never been one to blame others, but rather myself, for any shortcomings I've experienced in my life. These shortcomings are and what have been, what eventually helps me to grow the most.

A friend of mine, when noticing how often I apologize, told me that you only have to say sorry once, and then trust when the other person forgives you, that you are truly forgiven. This is one area of trust that I have a problem with. This mindset will help to ease my mind, once I grasp it.

I need to stop thinking, re-thinking and over-thinking past and future decisions of mine, and learn, love and live in the moment.

Wherever I am, I choose to be there fully.

Mastin Kipp talks about the seasons of our lives that we go through. Right now it's Summer and I'm in Winter. And that's okay. This is my period of rest and rejuvenation. Rebirth. I must go through this season to get to the next, where I will plant new seeds, and grow.

I'm not afraid for things to be different, I'm afraid for things to change.

But as Jason Mraz says,

"Do your best and forget the rest."

A few more of these positive sayings believed and embraced and I'll be on my way to having the time of my life.

I'm still working on everything. I'm by no means an expert...at anything. I am a student of life and I'm allowed to mess up. It's how we pick ourselves up after we fall down that defines our true character.

I think I'll continue writing about toxic topics I'm ready to let go of.

But for now, I think Jason Mraz is onto something with that whole "beginner" thing.

And it does make an awesome tattoo.

Thanks for listening.

What I want to say.

If anyone ever wonders why Jason Mraz is my favorite blogger, here are Exhibits A and B.

"I am" - Exhibit A.

and...

"Beginner's Only" - Exhibit B.

I am a frequent reader of his blog (and listener of his music), because he often puts the sporadic thoughts in my brain into eloquent words for me.. and enlightens me on many different subjects, and generally just oozes positivity and encouragement to all his readers. Definitely worth checking out. You will probably feel much better about yourself after you do :)

I'm home!

I'm home. My best friends got married. I've got more makeup pictures to show you guys.

BUT

I need a job. I'm exhausted. I might be getting sick.

So I'll get to all that later.

Zombies invade San Francisco!

These pictures are from a zombie shoot we just wrapped at 7 am today. We had been working since 7 pm Saturday night and we had a crew full of rockstars! It was the final for bestie Andrew's Color Management for Cinematography class. He planned it, wrote it and shot it. I did the makeup. And the lovely cast from the Variety Show I'm in, acted in it...and they had the best zombie walks ever! Everyone's was unique.

Although my building manager wasn't fond of us shooting a zombie apocalypse in my apartment, (psh, why?!), the cops on the street were cool with it. After a mini-altercation with my manager, a cop car pulled up to the zombies and I on the street, with it's lights on and I thought our mission was going to get scrubbed for sure. But instead, it went a little something like this:

Cop: What's going on here?

Me: We're filming a zombie movie for school.

Cop: Where's your cameraman?

Me: *points to roof* Up there.

Cop: Oh man, are we in your shot?

Me: No, you're okay.

Cop: Alright, well we just wanted to make sure we weren't Will Smith in I Am Legend or anything.

Me: Haha, well if you want to stick around and patrol the area to make sure that my building manager doesn't catch us on the roof, you could do that.

Cop: Well if she calls the cops, this is our sector so we'll be back.

Me: Right on, see you later.

Andrew mentioned that arresting some kids for walking sober zombies on a roof would probably be a joy to them, since they're used to busting people for drugs and worse.

We hit a few bumps in the road, (like me forgetting my keys, so after we got our last shot, 14 zombies were locked out of my apartment for a little bit), but it all ended up working out beautifully, and I want to applaud everyone for their hard work and endurance. I'm looking forward to the final product!

We ended the morning with Triple Chunk chocolate brownies with cream cheese icing and milk. Not the healthiest, but definitely the tastiest way to end a night of wandering around in the cold, covered in blood.

Burns Week.

Well, this one was fun and messy.

Have I mentioned how much I love this class?

Ryan and I decided to burn his fingers together, since we were on a time crunch.

Plus sides of being besties with a cinematographer.

Exhibit A:

My concentration face...or my "I need glasses" face?

Gabe, model extraordinaire, again.

Andrew, Alex, Joe and I competed in the 24 Hour Film Race this past Friday-Saturday. It was pretty hilarious. Our film screens at a theater here next Thursday!

I've got LOTS more pics comin' your way, when I find time to organize and breathe. Hope everyone's having a great week!

too busy for a blog?

This is my life.

Does the iphone make a blogger app? So I can blog on the go?

Photos by Andrew Blackman.

Fantasy Week.

Should I be updating my blog right now? No. I should probably be delving into (yet another) pile of homework... but I needed a little break to sit and rest my mind. I was at a film shoot from 10am-6pm today and still haven't been off my feet since...yesterday. Funny thing is, this was the fastest/shortest film shoot I've been on all semester...so I guess I really shouldn't be complaining.

Well, I'm putting off the latex aging post a little while longer... there's just so many pictures to go through. So here's a little something fun from last week in makeup. It was Fantasy Week, and Ryan I decided to fully take advantage of the "anything goes in Fantasy Week" policy.

It was his birthday, so I made him a pretty, pretty princess. Yes, those are sequin hearts above his eyebrow. And he added the blood in his mouth to make him look more manly.

Our teacher even added some accessories.

This was my payback. Crazy eyeshadow/blush/lipstick... and you know, just an ordinary screw comin' outta my head and a slit throat. No big deal.

The blood was tickling my face so much.

Hmm... fantasy makeup homework after an 8 hour film shoot? No thanks. Decided to use myself, so I didn't have to track down a model at the last minute and spend a ton of time on this assignment. Here's what I came up with in about 5 seconds.. I'm sure I could elaborate on this idea more, when I'm less tired of standing and moving, haha.

Flower-face?

It's still pretty crazy to me that this is my homework.

I felt like I should make some sort of silly mime face or something, idk.

Well, tomorrow's the longest day EVER. 2 classes, rehearsal, then A TON of homework.. so tonight, I rest.

Hope everyone has a good Monday!