Two days happy, five days sad;
It pained my heart and my eyes,
to see I hurt you so bad. 

I am sorry. 

Will you forgive me if I speak out of line?
I'm a lot to handle, even early on.
I penned all my pain on paper and stuffed those pages in your pocket.

I told you all about the times that scarred me most.
And the times that saved me, many of the latter connected with you.

I wish that you had never seen all the tears that I cried.
But you held me, and your arms seemed to say,
"I will always hold you this close. Always."
And when your voice echoed that embrace, my heart grew wings, that flew high above us, and the whole way I kept thinking-
"If it gets any sweeter than this, I don't want to know."

You touched me with a warmth I never knew.
We held undoubtable potential in those precious moments.

I didn't write for two whole months, before you.
 Then, almost suddenly, my mind and my pages were filled with thoughts and images and tiny pink flowers and ideas of loving someone so irresistibly sincere.

Now, you're a beautiful mystery that I'm still afraid to crack.
And I'm a monster.
Feeling every detail, and fighting every feeling.

Encircled always, by a heaviness.
Sometimes it really is just a look, that sends me back down, falling.
Doubting myself; but the whole way, loving you.

Never have I felt so insecure, in a realtionship I care so much about.

I've been bruised before and I've done bruising.
I've felt pain.
But none like the day you confessed that loving me was a punishment.
How it broke me to know that I was the source of the hurt behind those disappointed eyes.

The only thing I regret more than that is my own reflection.

I want to see you smile more. You have such a nice smile. It lights me up from the inside-out.

You came to love my childish laugh. You came to love my wounded heart, that I tried to shield from you. But it didn't take long for you to break the walls down.

I asked, will you forgive me when I speak out of line?
Would you notice me in Grand Central Station?
If you ever lost me, would you know where to look?

Now, I miss summer - the times we both liked me best.
I miss a time with you I never even knew.

My heart beats too big for my body, but you can fix anything with a kiss.

You held my face, looked me in my eyes and said -
"It's up to you."
And that scares me.

What if I can't choose? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I hurt you again? What if I lose you? What if I feel nothing at all?

I've been looking, I've been dreaming, I've been walking, I've been moving on...
Attempting to fit, just anywhere...

I'm trying to fit the whole world in my hands, rather than remembering to hold on to what I have.

I told myself, one day soon, I would follow my heart.

Don't forget you love me.
Don't forget why you love me; or how we were so easily capable of such early joy.

I want to be yours.

Let me make you happy.
Your mind, your body, though especially your heart.

I wish you would:
Laugh with me, dance with me, sing with me -
"We're not perfect, for if we were, something as beautiful as this song wouldn't exist."

In this moment, in this city, in this chapter I hope you never tear out,
I want to mean the most to you.

I don't think it matters so much which foot you start out on,  as long as you keep on walking.

I've been running my whole life,
and I stopped to look at you.
Don't write me off 'till the morning, baby,
I'll stay if you want me to.


The girl who'd say goodbye to you is out of her mind. 

Newness.

It's possible that I (consistently) couldn't pick a worse time to blog. Every time I really get the itch to write a post, there's 1,000 better things I could, and should, be using my time for. But alas, here we are, once again...not using my time wisely.

But I digress.

Sometimes things happen in life, to smack you in the face.
They say everything happens for a reason, so I guess sometimes I need to be smacked.

The new year is rapidly approaching. The fact that we are a week away from Christmas blows my mind. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. I think that January will arrive, before I even figure out what happened to November.

This year is going to be the first year EVER that I won't be on the East Coast with my family, for Christmas. It doesn't help that all of my roommates and most of my friends will be away, with their families (as they should be). San Francisco is going to feel really quiet. And if Thanksgiving was any indication of how lonely I've felt during the holidays this year, then I think it is important that I welcome life's smack in the face, so that I don't get too down on myself during "the most wonderful time of the year!"

I'm tired of making New Year's Resolutions that I don't keep. Work out more, eat healthier, know all my neighbors... Last year, I made the resolution to try something new every day in 2012. This impossible sounding task seemed very doable to me, at the time. Isn't it amazing how powerful you feel in January? New year, tabula rasa. It's even more amazing how powerless I feel again by the following December.

My "try new things" resolution lasted a month, at best. I got a tattoo, I tried raw sushi, I went to a hockey game, I went paddle-boarding, I visited a local iconic candy store in my hometown, I rode a roller-coaster at Harry Potter World... All those things were great fun. (Ok, the roller-coaster was NOT fun). (Ok, it was also a kiddie-coaster).

Moving on...

This year, I still want to try lots of new things. But I'm not going to put pressure on myself to do it everyday. In fact, there's a resolution right there. 2013 will be the year of "no pressure." No worries. Hakuna Matata.

Instead of being sad on Christmas, I'm going to make it an adventure!
Instead of wondering what everyone else is doing on New Year's, I'm going to work on making my own New Year's memorable, (hopefully with someone who has also had a few subpar, back-to-back New Year's Eve's).

I got smacked in the face by life recently. And life said to me, "Shut up, bitch!"

Seriously. I have spent far too much time the past couple of years being sad. Really, deeply, heart-wrenchingly sad. I'm not even 100% sure where all this sadness has been coming from. But the general consensus from me, my best friend, my drunk roommate, (and what my mom told me when I was 12), is that I put too much pressure on myself. I always have.

I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough.

In 2013, I want to be enough. ME. For everything I am...AND everything I'm not. 

I'm never going to be a 5'10" runway model. But, I am a comedian.
I'm never going to have Angelina Jolie lips. But, I have Zooey Deschanel eyes.

I'm tired of hurting. And most of this hurt, I brought upon myself. That's the worst part.

In 2013, I want to FORGIVE MYSELF. 

I want to BUILD MY CONFIDENCE. 

I want to HELP MYSELF.

I haven't done much in my personal life that I've been proud of in the past 2 or 3 years.
But I was 2-3 years younger then, and a few years will do wonders for your intelligence and maturity, if you let it.

I'd be willing to bet that almost anyone I've wronged, wouldn't be hanging onto the hurt and guilt, like I am.
(And if they are, then perhaps Forgiveness should be their 2013 resolution as well).

In 2013, it's time to move on. It's time for me to start doing things because they're going to help me, instead of worrying how my tiny decisions will affect others...and not asking or speaking up, for fear of being rejected.

In 2013, it's not about the big picture. That's a lot of pressure for me right now.
It's about the details.

My health. My darling family that constantly proves they'll move mountains for me. My brain, and how it's working (despite all the jokes I make about leaving it on the buses). My stand-up shows, and how I feel like I finally have a voice there, and a connection there. My sweet, sweet boyfriend and one of his laughs that I like to think is just for me (when he's watching "Archer," or especially when I do my "Slingblade" voice).

I've spent so much time regretting the past, that I'm forgetting to live in the moment and appreciate all these things I have in my life that are so great.

Isn't that the point of traveling through the darkness? To bask in the glow on the other side?

I went there. We all make mistakes. I did. I made a lot. But, continuing to wallow is only going to make it worse, and it's going to keep getting worse. And I'm going to keep hurting people, if I keep hurting myself.

I choose to make the change now.

In 2013, I am going to finally find what makes me happy. I am going to chase down (and tackle!) what I want. I am going to actively seek out what I need. I am going to keep people close to me, that make me feel the way I want to feel. And I am going to try my ABSOLUTE HARDEST to make them feel the way they want to feel. And FULLY support them in their endeavors of tackling the things that they want.

"I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else.

But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

Go where you want to go. Be what you want to be.

If you ever turn around, you'll see me."

- The Weepies. 

* This post is dedicated to anyone that I have argued with in the past 48 hours. 

Rest assured, I want to keep you. 

Inspiring friends.

Stephanie McKee

I went to middle school with this lady. She is from an amazingly talented gene pool. Actress/Pageant Queen/Model sister, Ballerina sister, Musician brother. Stephanie is the gifted artist. She is going to change the world someday, I'm convinced. She is currently in South Africa for the summer, bringing art to the walls of a men's prison in Johannesburg. Amazing artist, amazing woman. 

Dennis Eroh. 

Dennis is a friend from high school, who will always have a special place in my heart. On my 18th birthday, he was one of three guests I chose to celebrate with. (the other two being my boyfriend and my brother). It does not matter how long we have gone without talking, the minute we pick conversation up again, it is like we never even left. His writing is beautifully heartbreaking, and he has been someone who's words I have looked up to, for many years. We talked more during my darkest days, than probably anyone, and I learned more from him than he probably realizes. He's strong and confident in his originality, and that is something I will always admire about him. When I first started sharing my writing, Den was there, reading and commenting on them all. I will always remember this comment of his, on something I wrote:

"You're a full-fledged poet now. I don't know if you want it or not, but I can see it in your thoughts: skipping things, forgetting words to write down sentiments instead- learning through writing- journaling as a process instead of a slate."

Roxanne Woltil & Jeffrey Sincich. 

I want a love like this. 

Every time I read Roxanne's cute blog, I get a warm feeling in my heart. It is one of the absolute cutest, and makes me feel like writing, traveling, taking pictures and spending time with the people I hold dearest to my heart. Jeffrey is currently on a bicycle tour from Portland to San Francisco (my city!) and Roxanne is on her way out to meet him for a couple days. I think that's so awesome. Their relationship is one I truly admire. I didn't realize until she posted something about it on her blog, but I was there for her and Jeffrey's first out-of-school hangout, at his birthday dinner (in 2007). I was attempting to court someone at that dinner myself, and I think that's kind of adorable. I wonder, if we had both known that, if we would have been talking in the restaurant bathroom, nervously primping ourselves. Roxanne is now engaged to Jeffrey, and I love that. Their relationship is so unique and lovely. I'm not sure if they know that there are people out there (like me), who's romantic, storybook hearts, flutter with every blog post, or cute picture uploaded. I can only hope that one day, I have a love like that. Two people who are so uniquely perfect for each other, for their similarities, but also their differences, who are committed to FUN and dreams, above all else. 

Isn't it great when you realize how awesome some people in your life are doing? I'm going to go enjoy this day with a full heart. 

Be kind to one another. 

- D

impromptu free-write.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like writing again. So, I went to a favorite corner coffee shop by my apartment, ate lunch alone in the sun, and this is what came out of that. 

The breeze blows my pages up as I struggle to get all my thoughts out, poetically. 

My brain often races, much like the man crossing the street in the final seconds of the walk signal. 

But few times has my heart felt this full.

Mama said there'd by days like that. And there were.

Days revealing the deepest, darkest places I've ever known. 

Not sure what it took for the clouds to change and bring a little lightness my way...but I'm sitting in it now and it is sweet.

Blooming tiny pink flowers on even the tallest of my willows. 

They're getting their happy back, just in time for summer. 

So long sweet misery, you are no longer serving me. 

I'm in the light at the end of the tunnel, looking back at all the grayness that made me stronger. 

How full I feel, crossing over and not looking back, conquering fears.

Staring down at my feet, amazed at how far they've taken me already. 

And how much further they'll go. 

Stay with me for a while, new friend. 

While I share with you my sadness and gladness, struggles and strengths, wellness and woes. 

And when we're done, all I ask is a smile. 

Yours is the best I've ever seen. 

Photo Challenge: Day Six

It took me a long time to write this, because Dre put on "The Sitter" for us to watch. (C'mon brother, it's bloggin' time). But who can turn down a movie? Not me. And Jonah Hill, cool. A movie that starts out with a sex scene, even cooler. So if this post doesn't make sense, you have Dre & Jonah to thank... And judging by the amount of funny one-liners that I've already laughed at, you guys might be in trouble. But I digress... I've got my coffee and I'm ready to write..

Guys, this isn't going well so far. They're playing "Jump on it" in this movie now. Anyway, fighting the urge to get out of my seat and dance....

Earlier this year, I made a resolution to try new things. Lots of new things. A new thing every day. I haven't shared much of this on my blog, aside from the bit about my comedy class. (Which, by the way, starts up again tonight. I'm in the advanced class now, y'all).

But wait....there's more....

Lately, I've been trying to eat eggs. I know, super edgy of me, right? I've always liked eggs, but I haven't been able to get into them that much. Like, I could never eat them in the morning. I would be able to enjoy them in the late afternoon or evenings, but in the morning they always made me kind of nauseous... I don't know, it doesn't make any sense. But today, right before I started blogging, I ate an omelette. And on Sunday, I had a bacon, egg and cheese croissant sandwich....at like 10 am, so I'm making progress.

I have also reconnected with an old flame, in a friendly way. I hate when people hate me, so it has been nice to get back to emailing and laughing at cat videos.

I've also been going on a lot of auditions. There's really only one thing I can say on that subject: It's a good thing I'm in comedy class......so I can make fun of myself.

Day 06: A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

I have a feeling that Ellen Degeneres would just "get me."

Photo Challenge: Day Five

Hello blogisphere,

Since I've been gone, I somehow contracted a nasty ear infection that made me deaf in the left. I had to take an Art History midterm like this...completely half-way deaf, dizzy and nauseous. That, compared with my overall lack of art history knowledge, is probably not going to result in the best grade ever. The next day, after a ten hour school day, I found an urgent care clinic to go to, and I was there for three hours, enduring a really long, really painful ear procedure, to get my hearing back. This made me even more dizzy and nauseous, to the point where I had to lay down on an exam table for a while, until I got my bearings back. After that, my ear was just on fire for the rest of the day. I am allergic to the medicine they normally prescribe for ear infections (lucky me), so I got put on a different medication that....guess what....makes me super nauseous. I went in to get my ear fixed, and I got prescribed medicine that makes me feel physically ill....backwards steps?

The good news is that today is my fifth and final day of crushing pills into powder, and swallowing it down with yogurt that tastes like poison. Oh, that's right....I can't swallow pills. You may remember this from my ten facts on Day One of this challenge. But the doctor wouldn't give me liquid form, because, as he put it... "It's time for me to learn." And I agree with him, however I don't think the best time to learn is when I actually need this medicine in my body asap. I think I should just be able to practice with some mini m&m's on my own time or something. Anyway, it's almost over. The sad thing is that my last day of antibiotics falls on St. Patrick's Day, so I will be curling up with homework and Disney's "The Luck of the Irish" while the entire city of San Francisco is out running the streets. A part of me was really looking forward to my first Irish Car Bomb, but the other part of me is really thankful that I have an excuse to be responsible and bury myself in work on a Saturday night.

Day 05: A photo of your favorite memory.

This one is definitely up there. This trip was a glorious nightmare. During spring break of my senior year, I jetted off to Europe with some of my favorite people from my graduating class, and some of my least favorite underclassmen. We went to France, Germany, Switzerland, Austria and Liechtenstein. We laughed, cried, got terrified for our lives, and wanted to punch some people in the face. But it still remains one of the absolute best times of my life.

This photo was taken in Switzerland. It was really late at night, but a few of us were still awake in the "Haunted Swiss Sorority House" we got stuck in, because some of our housemates were bringing forth spirits with a wigi board. Good thing too, because if I wasn't busy being terrified, I would have missed out on this photo opp, which coincidentally, was also my first time seeing snow. My favorite part of this picture might be the Crocs on my feet.

Photo Challenge: Day Four

Well, I had a three-day blogging streak... not bad. At least I'm returning before March is over. My life in San Francisco is so effing busy. This is a good thing usually, but not when it comes to abandoning your blog and your new year's resolutions. Almost halfway to April, I think there's still time to turn this year around. Since I am so busy, I often capitalize on my down-time (in the form of procrastination and naps), which sometimes results in me having a pile of work to accomplish later. Because of this, coffee has become my life-fuel, as I am quickly becoming nocturnal.

Day 04: A picture of your night.

So, maybe we didn't need an entire day dedicated to relaxation and junk food, after hurting our bodies the night before, at a friend's birthday party. And maybe we certainly didn't need to stay up until 4 am watching "Toddlers & Tiaras"..... but we did. And it felt pretty dang good. (For the record, it was our first time watching it and I wanted to slap 85% of the moms on that show)

Dre & I are also both trying to fight off these little sicknesses that are trying to creep into our bodies...which really puts a damper on things for me, seeing as how it's almost Monday night, which means... it's time for The Voice! I love this show. Something you should know about me is that I love singing and music, and competition shows involving those things. However, every time I watch a show like this, I start singing the songs either with the people competing, or right after they've finished singing. Aside from making me quite the annoying spectator, it also makes me aware of my actual singing abilities.

For example, I am not this girl. Nor am I this girl.

Though I want so badly, to be.

If you want to hear some people who can kill it in ways that I only dream about, watch these cool dudes.

Photo Challenge: Day Three

I hate the fact that you can't catch up on sleep, or gain back the hours you missed. I guess that's how it goes with most things though. It was beautiful in San Francisco today! It was warm and sunny, and Dolores Park was absolutely packed with people...more than I've ever seen! (And it's always crowded). Enjoyed some food, friends, music and sunshine.

This week is going to be amazingly busy, I don't know how I'm going to do it. In most frightening news of the week, I might be going up on stage at the Purple Onion again on Tuesday, after my comedy class. (I have until midnight tonight to decide).

I am still so tired, and trying to talk myself into being enthusiastic about my homework. But first, I gotta continue my blogging streak.

Day 03: A picture of the cast from my favorite show.

Modern Family is pure genius. I have been in love with this show since the pilot episode. The actors are perfect for their characters, the writing is brilliant, and the writers are hilarious in their acceptance speeches at awards shows! It makes me laugh out loud, and always ends on an upbeat or moving note...what more could you ask for? (If anyone from the show sees this blog, HIRE ME PLEASE!)

Photo Challenge: Day Two

It was so hard to convince myself to blog tonight. (You see? Sometimes I'm really bad at this). I woke up at 4 am this morning, worked on a film shoot all day, and just got home. (It's 8 pm now). Sometimes I think that when I tell my body it has to wake up early the next day, it decides not to sleep at all the night before. I was so awake last night that it was absurd. I watched a couple episodes of Arrested Development, and then watched Beauty & the Briefcase in it's entirety....really? After Arrested Development (one of the best shows EVER), the plan was to put on a movie I could easily fall asleep to. I thought I had picked the right one...apparently not. So, anyway, I don't feel like moving, and my blood sugar's low, but I cannot summon the energy to go get a cookie ice cream sandwich from the corner store, though I'm desperately craving one. Coincidentally, tonight I am missing a "Zombie Prom" party, which I was very much looking forward to, because I feel like a sleep-deprived zombie.

Day 02: A picture of you and the person you've been closest with the longest.

This is my brother, Dre. I could write a book on how I feel about this man. We've been best friends since sixth grade, and literally inseparable. In 9th grade, he asked me out and I said no, because he's my very best friend in the entire world. I still have the love letter he wrote me, and we will always laugh at that memory. When I moved to San Francisco, he came with me, shortly after. When he moved away again, he quickly came back. He knows all my secrets, fears, desires, everything about me. Nearly every good memory and funny story I have, has to do with Dre. He is my best friend, my confidante, my future Man of Honor, and the love of my life. I love you, you beautiful chocolate man!

We were such babies!

Big hair, don't care.

Photo Challenge

I've always thought that having some type of journal is very important. My friend Kevin has been writing in a journal every night, since he was in eighth grade. I can't help but be thrilled for his future family who gets to read his journal entries for generations to come, even after he's gone. What a special gift. I love writing... it's something I took to right away, as a child. I would write short stories like it was my job. Coincidentally, now I am basing a future career off of writing. I haven't been as good as Kevin about keeping a journal, (or better yet) - about keeping track of my journals, but I do enjoy writing, and I enjoy blogging. It is so cool to me, to read these little insights into people's worlds, while sharing mine. I will always be fascinated with people. Plus, sitting here at my computer, with my coffee just makes me feel so much more like a writer, and I love that.

I am in a writing for multimedia class now, where it is academically valuable for me to write in my blog, read other blogs, and just keep track of people and the news, and everything fascinating (for better or for worse), about our human race. To be honest, I need practice in this...and that fact is evidenced by the amount of times I blogged this February. I really want this to become a habit again, so I'm taking Sarah's lead and I will be doing a Photo Challenge, to get my wheels turning again. And I think it's a cute, fun, little thing to do once in a while. I'm always curious about people's quirks and opinions.

In case you're curious about mine, this is...

Day 01: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.

(this one of me is particularly classy, I think).

1. I just recently started regularly drinking coffee. This is a habit that has been years in the making. I kept trying it, especially when I was tired, hoping that my body would just humor me, and at least pretend to wake itself up a little bit, but it always, without fail, made me even sleepier. I knew I was in trouble when I ordered a coffee with an extra quad shot of espresso, because I had to write all night for a class, and I fell asleep at my computer. It was like my body had a force-field against all caffeine. Turns out, I'm a light roast kinda gal. I'm not promising I never sleep after coffee anymore, but give me a bold roast and I can guarantee you a blackout.

2. I dance when I get nervous. Always... which doesn't make much sense, because it's just attracting even more attention to my nervous self. But the more nervous I get, the more I dance.

3. I laugh all the time. I love laughing! But sometimes I even laugh at inappropriate times... like if I get bad news, I might sort of laugh at first, and then start crying.

4. I'm pretty sure I like animals better than people. I need them in my life or I will not survive.

5. Kristen Bell described me perfectly, when she was describing herself on Ellen. "If I'm not between a 3 and 7 on the emotional scale, I'm crying." That's exactly how I am. If I get too sad or too happy, I cry.

6. I often worry that I won't have enough time in my life to accomplish and experience everything that I want to.

7. Sometimes I think I'm nocturnal. I have such a hard time falling asleep at night, and such a hard time waking up in the mornings.

8. I have an irrational fear of roller-coasters. I semi-conquered this fear with my friend Dan at Universal this Christmas break, but I am nowhere cured. It took a lot of convincing to get me on the children's coaster. And at Disney, I am still afraid of the "Barnstormer".... a roller-coaster where you ride in an airplane....that Goofy drives.

9. I can't swallow pills. I know, I am sounding like more of a baby, the more I type. And it doesn't matter that I swallow pieces of food bigger than most pills... as soon as I see that little pill bottle, my throat closes up, and it's game over.

10. I still sleep with a stuffed dog, Linus, that I've had since I was 3. I don't like traveling without him and I very rarely do. In 10th grade, I left him in an airport on accident and I cried. (Luckily, a flight attendant found him...otherwise I still wouldn't be recovered from that experience).

Guess freakin' What?!

I went up for the first time at the Purple Onion. Stand up comedy timezz, y'all. And people actually laughed! A lot. (Whaaat is happening?) And now I have 41 views on Vimeo. As twitter would say...... #welcometothebigleagues, sista!

Park Day

As a writer, I often stress about what to write about. (I assure you, that is not all I stress about, but it takes up a good bit of it). Writing has always been a huge part of my life, and this semester it is at an all-time high. Besides my two very complex and very different writing classes at school, I also dove into stand up comedy. Money (and Mom) came through, YAY! It's something I've always wanted to do, and I haven't talked about this much on here, but I just finished my third week of it, and there will be plenty of updates coming your way on this subject very soon. And in keeping with my new year's resolution, I have been trying a lot of new things. I'm also on a quest to get my happy back. Things are complicated and hard on all of us, a lot of the time, and sometimes all it takes is a good, relaxing, sunny (but cold) day in the park, with friends and margaritas, to get your mind back in the right / (write) place.

Who says all of life's problems can't be solved with a pint of ice cream?

I have discovered, recently, that I am an emotional eater. I wish that wasn't the case, I wish I was one of those lucky few who fast when they're sad; those who go through a period of "sadness starvation," if you will. But not me. You can always tell when I'm going through a rough time by the width of my face. My smile disappears along with my jawline.

That being said, I'm sure it's of no surprise to you, that for the majority of my life, I honestly believed that most of life's problems could be solved by dunking your spoon into a pint of Ben & Jerry's and not coming out until you've hit bottom. (The bottom...of the pint, although I can understand the confusion).

This problem really came to a head this past Christmas break, when I put on an embarrassing display of food annihilation, in front of a close personal friend of mine. Now, a true friend wouldn't let me put away an entire wing of the Publix Supermarket alone, so a couple hours (don't judge me) later, we finally put down the last of the cookie yo-yo's, and retreated to the couch for a food coma. I didn't fully recover from that experience until the next day....but that didn't stop me from repeating it a few days later, this time in the comfort of my own home, during a movie...and again, a few days after that, at a funeral reception.

Just when I thought my emotional eating habits were getting out of control and I needed to find another way to deal with my feelings (alcohol? crystal meth?), this happened:

As of four days ago, these were the things that were less than perfect in my world:

-Rent money: don't have any

-Money for anything: $-36 in da bank, so... no.

-Money for out-of-school comedy class: ^ still, no.

-School/advisors: not happy with me.

(So, I'm taking 4 different classes in 4 different majors...let me live my life).

-Eyeballs: only work up-close.

-Much-needed glasses: please see points 1, 2 & 3.

I wasn't nearly as worried about this as I should have been, considering I spent my last $9 in cash on a "Lethal Mai Tai" I saw on the travel channel. (Priorities...priorities).

Now, if you've been paying attention thus far, you'd know that this is the point where I would turn to my best friends Ben & Jerry, while simultaneously satisfying every craving I've ever had. However, these "feeling feasts" work a whole lot better when you have cash money. And since I don't, I turned to the next best coping mechanism: Sleeping.

(We can address my sleeping habits in another post).

I dream a lot when I sleep, and I have a lot of nightmares. But in this particular slumber, I had a glorious dream - a poor person's substitute for real life luxuries.

I dreamt that I was eating an entire pint of ice cream, with Oreos and popcorn in it, in a movie theater by myself.

(I don't know what movie I was watching, the important thing is that I didn't have to share my ice cream).

So, let's recap: no money, no outside class I want to take, no rent, no food, no hope... (ok, ok).

Ice cream dream.

Then, suddenly -

We're able to put our Costco membership to use. Rent money comes in and we're able to make our deadline by the skin of our teeth. And, I am able to take my comedy class after-all! Granted, my advisor is still calling me every day, trying to convince me to change my classes, and I'm still going to need new glasses at some point, so I can actually see what I'm learning in aforementioned classes.. but the biggest of our troubles are over...for now. We'll still have struggles, every month I'm sure, but I find it hard to believe that my ice cream dream didn't have something to do with helping us out of this one.

Oh, and Mom- you'll be getting a HUGE shout-out at the Oscars for supporting me figuratively and literally, even when you probably shouldn't have.