Park Day

As a writer, I often stress about what to write about. (I assure you, that is not all I stress about, but it takes up a good bit of it). Writing has always been a huge part of my life, and this semester it is at an all-time high. Besides my two very complex and very different writing classes at school, I also dove into stand up comedy. Money (and Mom) came through, YAY! It's something I've always wanted to do, and I haven't talked about this much on here, but I just finished my third week of it, and there will be plenty of updates coming your way on this subject very soon. And in keeping with my new year's resolution, I have been trying a lot of new things. I'm also on a quest to get my happy back. Things are complicated and hard on all of us, a lot of the time, and sometimes all it takes is a good, relaxing, sunny (but cold) day in the park, with friends and margaritas, to get your mind back in the right / (write) place.

Who says all of life's problems can't be solved with a pint of ice cream?

I have discovered, recently, that I am an emotional eater. I wish that wasn't the case, I wish I was one of those lucky few who fast when they're sad; those who go through a period of "sadness starvation," if you will. But not me. You can always tell when I'm going through a rough time by the width of my face. My smile disappears along with my jawline.

That being said, I'm sure it's of no surprise to you, that for the majority of my life, I honestly believed that most of life's problems could be solved by dunking your spoon into a pint of Ben & Jerry's and not coming out until you've hit bottom. (The bottom...of the pint, although I can understand the confusion).

This problem really came to a head this past Christmas break, when I put on an embarrassing display of food annihilation, in front of a close personal friend of mine. Now, a true friend wouldn't let me put away an entire wing of the Publix Supermarket alone, so a couple hours (don't judge me) later, we finally put down the last of the cookie yo-yo's, and retreated to the couch for a food coma. I didn't fully recover from that experience until the next day....but that didn't stop me from repeating it a few days later, this time in the comfort of my own home, during a movie...and again, a few days after that, at a funeral reception.

Just when I thought my emotional eating habits were getting out of control and I needed to find another way to deal with my feelings (alcohol? crystal meth?), this happened:

As of four days ago, these were the things that were less than perfect in my world:

-Rent money: don't have any

-Money for anything: $-36 in da bank, so... no.

-Money for out-of-school comedy class: ^ still, no.

-School/advisors: not happy with me.

(So, I'm taking 4 different classes in 4 different majors...let me live my life).

-Eyeballs: only work up-close.

-Much-needed glasses: please see points 1, 2 & 3.

I wasn't nearly as worried about this as I should have been, considering I spent my last $9 in cash on a "Lethal Mai Tai" I saw on the travel channel. (Priorities...priorities).

Now, if you've been paying attention thus far, you'd know that this is the point where I would turn to my best friends Ben & Jerry, while simultaneously satisfying every craving I've ever had. However, these "feeling feasts" work a whole lot better when you have cash money. And since I don't, I turned to the next best coping mechanism: Sleeping.

(We can address my sleeping habits in another post).

I dream a lot when I sleep, and I have a lot of nightmares. But in this particular slumber, I had a glorious dream - a poor person's substitute for real life luxuries.

I dreamt that I was eating an entire pint of ice cream, with Oreos and popcorn in it, in a movie theater by myself.

(I don't know what movie I was watching, the important thing is that I didn't have to share my ice cream).

So, let's recap: no money, no outside class I want to take, no rent, no food, no hope... (ok, ok).

Ice cream dream.

Then, suddenly -

We're able to put our Costco membership to use. Rent money comes in and we're able to make our deadline by the skin of our teeth. And, I am able to take my comedy class after-all! Granted, my advisor is still calling me every day, trying to convince me to change my classes, and I'm still going to need new glasses at some point, so I can actually see what I'm learning in aforementioned classes.. but the biggest of our troubles are over...for now. We'll still have struggles, every month I'm sure, but I find it hard to believe that my ice cream dream didn't have something to do with helping us out of this one.

Oh, and Mom- you'll be getting a HUGE shout-out at the Oscars for supporting me figuratively and literally, even when you probably shouldn't have.

there is no happy ending

to an unhappy journey.

RIP Noah

There's nothing like a week of terrible news to remind you not to sweat the small stuff, not to create enemies, and keep your loved ones close and tell them you love them every chance you get, because life is far too short, not to cherish every second of every day.

I'll never understand why God picks his flowers before they're fully bloomed, but at least we were fortunate enough

to share their beauty, if only briefly.

Rest in Peace, Noah.

December 18, 1988 - November 18, 2011

Halloweek F'd us up.

Wondering where I've been? We had some good friends from Florida visiting us for Halloweek.

(Yep, that makes 7 people in our studio apt...woo!)

We have a million pictures detailing the crazy fun times we had, (and why I was MIA)...

but I think this one sums it up pretty nicely:

(left to right: Diane, Dan, me, Chrissy). Love them HARD.

Early Morning Motivation

It's been one of those months where I can't keep track of my brain. I'd like to commend it for being out in the world doing (or, at least thinking about doing) crazy awesome things. But I'd also like to welcome it back into my head, whenever it's ready. I know my screenwriting teacher is ready for another script from me, and well... I need my brain for that.

I don't really want to rush it, because I know it's out there, working hard and figuring out who we are (her and I), but sometimes I worry it's working too hard. Plus, I worry about it out there, spending so much time away from my body. We've got a pretty big checklist of things to get done ourselves, before we can start gathering new projects, and more unrealistic expectations of things we need to do, or who we need to be, in the next year.

So, for the short time being, while I'm actually connected with my brain (she should really have her own name by now... and let's hope she sticks around long enough for my midterm this morning), I want to take this time to remind us (me, and the others out there who, too, have lost their brains to what they think are bigger and better things)...that we really are good enough. For anything we want to be good enough for! I know this is hard to believe if you're like me and compare yourself to every living organism on this planet...but I promise it's true!

I get down on myself a lot for wanting, or wanting to do too many things. I never thought having too many wild dreams would be a bad thing, until I realized that there wasn't enough time in a day to be 50 places at once...and still pass all my classes. So, that is why I'm reminding myself now (and anyone who needs it), that WE ARE AWESOME!! We are awesome for even wanting to do so many things, and for tackling the things that we do, everyday!

So, we're full right now... One day, our lives will slow down a tiny bit and open up just enough for something new. And being full is not a bad thing...as long as you're full of things you love!

So friends, heed my warning:

DON'T JUDGE YOURSELF.

Be your best friend.

Love Yourself.

...or how can you expect anyone else to?

And there ARE people out there who want to love you. And they might not even know it yet.

Grab a hold of that brain of yours and show off what ya' got!

It's taken me a long, and rather painful road to get here (and posting a blog of early morning ramblings by no means makes me an expert, oorrr means that I'm cured of all my negative thoughts), but... I'm trying harder to love myself. So that I can welcome in love from others.

Sometimes when I'm being extremely hard on myself, I picture myself as Toddler-Me.

Like this:

Get a mental picture of you as a little happy baby kid. (I know I have a few).

And then I think.... "What did she ever to do you?"

And seeing me, with a toothless smile and sunglasses on, makes me feel a little bad for hating on myself as long as I did.

I thought I was a superstar then, why don't I now?

And while I honestly believe that the best things come out of me late PM/early AM, I still don't think it's a good sign when I'm still up writing (homework 1st, blog 2nd), when the roommates' alarms go off at 6:30 am, to go surfing...

So, I'll leave you with this, before my train of thought runs off it's tracks:

"Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human."

- Tony Robbins, is a best-selling author and motivational speaker. *

* taken from an excerpt from The Daily Love

I know I suck at this.

But... I can explain.

SF life has been crazy. Crazy good and.....well, crazy crazy. I might have to review those pictures from my last post a little more often, to remind myself that I really do have a killer time out here. (I don't really have to remind myself that I love San Francisco). What I mean by that is... I have to remind myself that I love being a broke art student in San Francisco :)

I found my old blog today, from right before I moved to SF. I completely forgot that I had this blog, and I'm not sure why I ever quit writing in it, except that I was new to the blogisphere, and didn't know how to act yet. I took it as a good sign that I giggled my way through reading it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm actually funny, or if it's because it's 6:30 am and I haven't slept yet...and I'm not going to. But regardless, it makes me feel like maybe my dreams of being on the "Top 7 Comics to Watch" list at Punchline Comedy Club, aren't sooooo far away after all. (Even if the audience does have to be sleep deprived to enjoy me).

I actually only stumbled upon my old blog, after reading a blog post by my high school friend about rock-climbing in Yosemite, who recently watched his friend and climbing partner fall 170 feet, almost to his death, and then they saved each other, and doctors saved them....and at the end they were smiling like they were posing for a picture at Disney World. If I was smiling at the end of that, I would also be in tears....and maybe throwing up....or passing out. Anyway, I wanted to comment and tell him how amazing that is, and then realized that I had an old blog, when it auto-filled in all my comment information. If you're bored at work or something, like I was when I wrote these old posts, you can check 'em out here. Start at the bottom and work your way up, or it might be confusing. (Not really, but it's a more interesting read that way). I guess. I promise it's not as good as Taylor's rock climbing rescue stories, but if you're into subpar tales from work and little volleyball injuries, then it'll be right up your alley.

170 foot free fall and still smiling....sometimes it amazes me what a human can endure. And there's always something to put stuff in perspective for us. For example, (well.... that. When's the last time you fell off a mountain?) But also, the other day I was complaining about money... (my $11 an hour job wasn't cutting it....but really it's not. San Francisco, remember)? And then I got a letter in the mail from a field agent in India, who works with the girl I sponsor through Children International. (Want more info? Ask me! I'm pretty much an expert, I almost got fired from there). Anyway, my beautiful 11 year old Indian girl and her family live on.... $2... A day.

That's hard for me to imagine for A HUNDRED reasons, at least. One, because it's $2...and in America we frame $2 bills because they're "special." And two, because I'm actually swaying in my desk chair from dizziness right now, after my 29 cent meal of ramen noodles last night. Clearly not enough food to feed an actual human, so my poor growing baby in India should definitely not have to worry about that. Her name is Tarjina and I'm not sure that I have fully expressed how beautiful she is yet, so I'll post a picture of her soon, so you guys can also love her from afar, like I do.

I have class tomorrow and I'm not fully prepared for it...although I feel like I am more prepared for this class, than the next class, and the class after that. (And my online screenwriting class, which I could probably do better in if I fell asleep with my head on the keyboard and just turned in UWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE).

Times is tough, friends. But like I said....perspective. I may be broke and hungry and one day homeless (not a joke), but at least I have the opportunity to be in school right now, learning about the career that I love the most (regardless of what my grades reflect). And besides... falling out of your desk chair from ramen withdrawals is not nearly as bad as falling off of a mountain.